Thursday, March 31, 2005

Deep Grass

Jacob replaces Skyler Dan replaces Ryan Kirsten replaces Emma Gary replaces Dan Tess replaces Thai Lydia replaces Tess getting crazy telling Alfred this dandelion not those poets publicity thwarted Wal-Mart no help cardboard set look tacky anyway hmm Cezanne our inspiration riding mower stalled deep grass

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Beyond Her Means

violet has a beautiful new leather jacket she was under pressure josh did not like her coat he said he would buy her a new one then she saw one on sale and called rose rose asked can you afford it violet said no rose said she would lend her the money as it turns out she paid for a good part of it and wants to make it a present josh loves the jacket but violet feels like a fool buying beyond her means because he does not like her coat she feels she is doing too much to please him and he does not seem to care what would make her happy so she is not being so easy at the drop of a hat running to him she needs to think things through

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Patchy Times

play crisis consumes all thinking desperate strategies deconstruct make new be play within save good cut various characters thinking give up do something else one-acts "Dr. Kheal" Williams Saroyan Chekhov start over with a precious few then actors materialize great new ogre reasonable Mershant possible teen Pacifa got through Act I last night on schedule discount patchy times hard catchup work hope all hang in sudden violent rain branches knock soft budding birch tendrils stream flutter huddle heater close cloaked taxes distract publicity bank biz grants writing friends music play what my art harmony people doing

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Staying Alive

He pulled over to edge of the river of traffic and jumped off his bike in front of a baobab, whose bark rose like a sea of nibbled root faces twenty feet before branches, to write: we are like sperm. At rush hour in Hanoi we gamble our lives, guessing each outcome Fortune gives us to reach our goal as we race up Her vagina. Each glance with others we encounter, in our weaving together, crossing and passing, is learning who we are, just ahead, neither pushing Luck too hard, nor hesitating with Her opening, for both are dangerous if not fatal to our purpose: staying alive, honoring the gift of life in all of us. Perhaps we are one Soul, seeing Herself again and again, whose glance quietly seeks to inform us which way to turn in the stream. now replacement ogre quit Job Corps choice over selling plasma still no Pacifa two empty parts could cut witches let Richard play ogre then how introduce Magic Pearls and they were sexy can I work around Pacifa no her death play's heart climax rain pattering skylight wind thrashing evergreens budding we'll stay home tonight Portland Easter Sunday after ham rats vul licking pingpong wounds Alfred whipped me what to do

Friday, March 25, 2005


Stanley Sadie drifted away to this music no more Walter Hopps exhibitions Good Friday Magdalene remembers her name I drive twice to Woodburn once to swim 89 in hot water lunch lose at pong show Alfred zero radius mower poison weeds audition actor he'll do with a makeover again smoked ham tractor hay one barn to another help dose a horse with bute Dr. Gradus flows from my fingers dine Sublimity on dumplings Hollinghurst at last barely penetrable English smarm Buddha no excuse for neglecting Easter this day doing nor suffering expunged

Cloud Forms

something is happening to violet she does not want to talk much anymore she is going to show josh a new side maybe she wants to appear distant she has never called him to ask when or if she will see him he said please feel free to call and even ask to see him she cannot spring is almost in the air her friend louis calls tells her again how much he loves her louis is a hermaphrodite someone she can trust and share any emotion with in her moments of shameless seductions she declines for her love of josh last night she had dinner with vinny the wild leo vinny reaches her sense of wild abandonment they were lovers for ten months ten years ago vinny's raunchy side is attractive to violet she wonders what josh might feel if he walked by the restaurant and saw them acting familiar laughing uncontrollably something josh and violet have not done it is important for josh that violet be just with him she does not mind she gave up other men before he asked her she did not want anyone to touch her except josh she never told him she did not want him to feel trapped rose plays a big part in violet's life rose is in love with violet she has been in love with her from the first time she saw her make myself make calls help me Tich Nhat Han in Hanoi: you see a cloud and begin to love it with deepening compassion now you fear it will change form and no longer be a cloud it could rain it could be in your tea then you realize it is always the same a cloud taking many forms you see there is no birth no death nothing to fear

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

All Right

take a break read a book put your feet up call rehearsal off give everybody a break have a heart call me back tell me what you are thinking how else am I to know Thalia help me send me actors I worship at your feet o fount of magic emanate forge ahead with me I have seen good theatre full bright sui generis in action all right unwanted unweary unexpired hailstone vivified seeks true employment

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Too Young

key cast crumbling too young to decide I forced her on stage stranger word him cute closed remote sat down with Steve poetry posters film held Alfred pong exhilarated built spontaneous "rock" fifteen minute eat run rehearse ogres do I really care I do something spring make art with son to use my ability add another work detached my life breathes anyway many modes love

Monday, March 21, 2005

Eating Lamb

goodbye Bobby Short did I know you I knew everyone imagined perfect access being young and gay the skeleton key he was eighty still smiling raspy songs first day spring and Pritzker names Thom Mayne Violet happy in love but wants to be alone my actors flaked for real I need replacements who gas still off electric slow cold studio on pants lap finely woven paisleys scarf over ears fingers only chilled zip in heat comfortably finish bed eating lamb we talked about chickens easier to kill than pluck spoiled us a lesson bandaging horses driven home bright sky stars clouds waxing moon these lines require no meaning given if taken for something verse defy analysis mind records itself without critique as artist making up a life

Chicken Soup

rush to the west side ferry for Ionesco move to Italy my private reservations increasingly irrelevant Ralph Cook surfaces from hurricane country hurrah rain clouds rolling Oregon itself theatre board meets annoying Alfred cooks my temper flares Andrew oops necessary line ridiculous huckabees makes us laugh special meaning defensible judgment tried by history late they came berated worked poke out selves possible talent glimmering hope my needed comfort wash the well loved body long soft arm soap hand fingers missing feedback not so hot cloth strange in affection under parts feet slowly whiten suds head rub rinse self wash clean entire house floors tidy garage ferocious rain pong drip script work cut chicken soup first good tender veggies lady most terrible only windy cold

Friday, March 18, 2005

Empty Hours

1967 speed ecstasy falling apart Joe Cino suicide art climax Sundance London John Cale sun blindness poetry workshop needed learn what coherent form harness empty hours day everything essential wild flowers planted wait slow germination struggle sun reach colors flash petals cold snow ice long night serious flakiness aborts rehearsal I phone I look for beginners' tips I clean my desk where is it opportunity 30-minute curry soon digested what is disorder scale of you

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Last Year

running for library district board can't run hips won't do it anymore can't dance don't ask me then can one burning man night won't come again was that last year's last year concentrating on what I do better drive through majestic landscapes spheres ringing comic tragic mama mask can't I spin roll downhill side wise whirling harmony dislocated was that you weren't you right here conscious self performing director smiling among my happy players who map sky changes who made them look so beautiful they are can this be real no it is a picture I am ruddy merely channel art its irridescence feathers enough appear all at once actual time all sculpted tingling with completion outside flowers androgenous eyes confident aplomb rewarding friends

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Human Sublime

the most important instrumental benefits require sustained involvement in the arts long lyrical lines beats repeated for hours day after day opera paintings around us all the time itself becomes music dreams illusion of dramatic structure in our lives requires art belief everything in its service used to benefit other than the artist it is not art advertising preaching persuading glamorizing decorating used for anything save delight illumination another useful tool it is the human sublime purposeless play immediate being time's apotheosis activated sense mind realized attention rain came lights blew out computer forgot two words I remembered directed calendar full enough sensations actions learn seasons not life not chocolate but chocolate always helps

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Fragrant Pillows

The creek is low swimming too early pasture seeded hoping for rain actor for ogre hidden talent bursting forth she recovered the next day then she didn't spirit undaunted arm in sling fragrant pillows gifts of the muse

Monday, March 14, 2005

All Beggars

counting money mind numbers columns think exactitude two brains three fourth is sex we are all beggars we are all modernists indulged in nostalgia down comforted well fed insulated aging well enough for now our kind crime house melting afternoon ink powdered sense wave who comes talks acts are its own reward constructed in shots like life focus tight surrounded blur hum thought condensing on the coated glass

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Old Shoes

am I not to wear worn-out shabby old sneakers though fond of the way I imagine look my habit taste déclassé reverse snobbism of another age elderly gentleman like myself wears nice shoes hip now immaculate new shoes slush subway farmer retired artist intellectual still practicing writing directing presenting keeps me happy (art and love every day night season any time) clunky rubber slip-ons easy slip off chiropractor pool old loafers resoled neat brown oxfords old new haircut new shoes Alfred help me choose how value effect of art abrupt rise of apocalyptic terrorism our sorry end no meaning extinction events intrinsic good to manage catastrophic risks natural accidents greedy shower of quarks species loss ourselves a strangelet disaster cost of 600 trillion dollars estimate social benefit in terms of personal fun bless her little heart makes all all right sympathy beams love turned upside down inside out about we com pare pete mune suave natural birds

Saturday, March 12, 2005


Violet ran into Sam she was leaving a store where she buys her soaps from Egypt Sam was walking in that very moment she was bad and seductive do not know what got into her she let him sniff her neck he said she looked like a sorceress she was wearing a navy blue scarf very Morocco looking he tried to kiss her mouth she pushed him away then ran for the bus she could tell he was still enchanted she had no control her seduction ran rapid

Friday, March 11, 2005


Too much going on, too little time to think and write. Tonight we had dress rehearsal of the ten-minute scene from "The Flight of the Butter Boy" that we are doing at Paul and Suellen Nida's Mardi Gras party tomorrow night. It has been a scramble getting costumes and props together, but we have everything now, and the runthrough went fine, with only a few glitches and forgotten lines. I decided to let it be, not rehearse more; we will have other rehearsals to work on it for the actual production, and will get a better costume for Michele, who is wearing Juliana's Greek tunic from "Midsummer Night's Dream" and looks dumpy. Alfred is wearing an Indian shirt of mine and looks good. Mares altered the Hippolyta costume and looks great in it with her bra stuffed. She dyed the Butter Boy's tunic and pants yellow and pinked his cheeks, and Taylor looks the vrai Butter Boy. Tomorrow I will make a flyer to pass out at the party so people will come see the whole play when it opens April 22 at the theatre: this is the trailer, fun to whisk together for good people. We stayed after rehearsal and had a drink.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Rehearsal Day

poetry festival press list e-mails phone calls doing my duty with a will imagine video documentary for La Mama lunch nap pingpong with Alfred (lost) meeting free-form talk everything getting done home dinner prepare rehearse scene 1 o joy directing delightful play

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Unexpected Blessings

floor mopping grass cutting day goes illness in the house bed close to me one ogre actor gone God keep the rest jazz the night chocolate smoke glowing lights reflected Robin pitching in these unexpected blessings distracted moods optional good behavior bred in bone hearts gladly given solemnly accepted feels swell cheery blues nobody knows I can't dance hips stiff no lift me up head dancing anyhow alive enough experimental consciousnesses touch oh my cenacle frolic with me know rare widespread secret brotherhood true cobra priests of commune art that delicious feeling smells warmth smooth skin sweat conductive breath roomful of flow typical mellow thanks

Monday, March 07, 2005

Exact or Better

now or never land of mercy Alfred up ladder double the bastard amber some version magic to frame Fry words revealed meanings grammar no long key treasures piratical resembles approximate I mean exact or better informed equality understood aye like that for me tooo tears brim "Finding Neverland" flow end strangely stiff and awkward actors whispering sequences fading not going anywhere swoopy glimpses incoherent fantasy what say unresolved melodrama still happy deny disappointed

Sunday, March 06, 2005


alone I walk out the scene imagine it with my body with actors read it slowly listening every word set them moving imagined characters action come alive do it again stop fix again fix again till all had enough we are doing it for fun more than fun deep creative delight

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Fading Light

Things I love about the Portland Airport soaring curving offramp long straight approach tight double spiral parking sun rain graceful suspended bridges glass roof open ended terminal stately group revolving doors expanded space smooth escalators descend exchange excited flying meeting going coming home now Alfred in camouflage cap home alone light fading listen Ligeti disappointed all too brief had to be there rare now unless I act first little rehearsal fiery Taylor perfect Butter Boy his mom never acted before always wanted thinks too much release natural presence

Friday, March 04, 2005

Sickening Scratch

James R. his mother their shoes shiny black lizard his square hers pointed pay attention she wants to ignore pain go for a nice ride speaks of mysterious driver I can drive he wants to take her to the doctor her jaw she looks very well put together I am to help induce her to do what she does not want suddenly Laurel filling out form what we wanted to do and didn't the pretensions marketing but the harpsichords were real awake remember sickening scratch as I slid the instrument out of the hearse open the lid quickly remember birthday party Russian restaurant in Brighton Beach fun good food too loud music gay host who was forgotten intimacies my father kicking nurse enough poetry fest publicity one afternoon I beat myself up never do enough though relatively diligent morning rooted through costumes with Mares heavy bins of frocks fabric hats belts shoes uniforms capes dressing room dispiriting grubby mess I mustn't criticize be grateful where else can I do plays reality trumps attitude first grass mowing too long for Phoebe horses ate down pasture new area fenced out for dinner last night à deux Alfred flies in tomorrow start acting adventure

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Good Will

Plunged finally into revising my revised memoir of New York improved beginning Gary invited me to send I want to sell it publication readers many years writing waiting for costumer friends help visualize Annette Bening says good costumes give her the character Robin arrives Steve sick two months Kelsey husband calls she in surgery dog hit by car Robin admires my harpsichord never heard before live we talk through the costumes easy simpatico paragon good will I'm scared this play too hard subtle these inexperienced actors asking magic of theatre save us all I watched runthrough "Lady's Not for Burning" our little theatre's latest effort see what's needed set the lights no pain the play so witty one more day "Butter Boy" begins I am preparing to direct an amateur production of "The Flight of the Butter Boy," a play by Guy J. Jackson that the author gave me in typescript, hoping I would produce it, seven or eight years ago when I was producing a play at the Lobero Theatre in Santa Barbara and he was working in the box office. I liked the play immediately, enormously, but my partner was not interested in directing it, and I had lost too much money on my last production. The writer, who was not older than 20 or 21 when I knew him, subsequently moved to Chicago, and eventually I lost track of him. Someone I know ran into him on the street in San Francisco last year, and he may live there, but he is not in the phone book. I have tried all kinds of internet searches, Craig's List, everything I can think of. I hope he still wants me to do his play. I have royalties for him in my budget. Guy Jackson, please get in touch!

Tuesday, March 01, 2005


The way the Performing Arts Library at Lincoln Center is organized is hideously opaque. The only way you can look anything up is under the title of the play, which is ridiculous. There needs to be a database that cross-indexes all the actors, writers, directors, designers, musicians, plays. producers, venues, and particular productions that have been done in New York over the past century at least. Revisiting the library in December reminded me how urgently such a database is needed. Our theatrical legacy is in the people and links among them. Surely there is a foundation out there that would support such a project. I wish I was in a position to do something about it. I am unduly isolated here in the remote Oregon country. Fours, not sure. There is the thought that it is a feminine expansion past the trinitarian masculinity of the christian deus. That it is the Native American assertion of the four directions (then add the self the sky and the earth for 7). That it is a second stable form, the first being a triangle. We can find it in sitz bones tail and pubic bone. And so on, galloping into plants and animals and limbs versus digits, lines and space and dimensions. But the number came up twice in one email day, so i am paying attention. namaste, marya Froidure in Hanoi dusk on Silver Creek Beethoven piano concerto cleaning up email love it keeping in touch touching

Different Pianos

Apologies to Andrew Holleran not meaning call him mediocre juxtaposition accidental in "The Beauty of Men" baldly depressed too true to face I respect his honest brave revelation incorrect unflattering self abject abrasive radio jock jokes Oscars the gay superbowl funk drive back from Portland run it backward warm sweet coffee after picking up red glasses fixed after hours playing pianos not falling in love with Bechstein Blüthner made me appreciate our Steinway clean power zeroed in on a Mason & Hamlin like my mother's Brahms Schubert Schumann Debussy seven feet too big I play una corda (soft pedal) not to overpower listener room every one different after swimming exercise laps with three-beat alternate-side breathing pink flowering plum green willows budding out all over fertile valley after breakfast yoga after dream hotel lost