Sensuous Beauty

Ruth Laredo 67 just two years my junior revived Scriabin I do Preludes Sonatas too hard finger understand keyboard crazy harmonies sensuous beauty swoons Mares invited me Memorial Day supper Chris Taylor Annie friendly lively welcome new-old house lovingly detailed attractive Carol cold Vermont safe loud New York I thought of mowing now it is raining one big empty day to write remember my own words crafted prose narrative too old to master Debussy now listen finish Hollinghurst call Crystal carry on

In Memoriam

Freddie Herko Joe Cino DeeDee Charles Stanley John Herbert McDowell Eddie Barton James Waring Diane Arbus Boppo Grammie Billy Lucas Scott Burton Alan Marlowe Peter Hartman Fernando Valenti Janet Stewart Frank O'Hara Ira Barmak John Braden Michael Wiley Kenny Burgess Howard Rackliffe Andy Warhol Julian Beck Frank Lilly Burt Supree John Albano Esther Gilman Donny Nardona Charles Ludlam Johnny Dodd David Way Aunt Viv Ondine Dad Bob Hawley Paul Storke Peter Morse Jackie Curtis Denis Deegan Lewin Usilton Tony Perkins Joe LeSueur Alfie Lynch Dan Wolf Helen Merrill Charles Storke Maxine Munt Mother Joe Chaikin

Tough Weather

car radio restored poorer happier into Portland dine Wild Abandon tame Liminal's Resurrectory takeoff Edinburgh murders dissect elaborated installation meticulous tasteful arbitrary detail city victims unimagined earnest timid bodies clothed pleasant being there pleased quintet some words their own excuse their meaning extra link both ways like choosing colors by their names trying not to get depressed modern history sorry record decline (un)educated class ruthless reapers clutter gloom deepens tough weather worsens adequate opponents hasten escape deny blame what I do instead of working phoning playing then do work plugging through revision book it's good one major life half done another week send out again my sorrow joy leap notoriety great bird omen flashes past horse watching trees massed against the birdcall failing light

Before Anything

good chocolate helps teeth falling in the lake Schumann helps not the one I wanted though life given exquisite excursions inward wow listeners trained on Beethoven here America no palaces extravagant art history matrix our erections temp expedient limits aspiration how not prefer live there then crippled dead lunchtime tears me memories before anything real living years one love giving life adults only leave quiet I see the music ended stops flowing words could go on longer make more progress maximize time earth human body gratified Michele reads me almost every day not grievous harsh one thing follows another

Sushi

swim sushi day in strip-mall America Alfred's backpack computer stolen my car fm staticky Starbucks haircut New Yorker they try fix fail more tomorrow crawling traffic Kentucky Fried it's raining cold in Boston sunny hot in Oregon read dinner dip sit computer on work at last that's my life always distracted always writing something more substantial than ice cream

In Touch

Bob Heide keeps me in touch with the New York gang Tom O'Horgan Irene Fornes Bill Hoffman Jerry Tallmer great idea star "Trouble" Sally Kirkland Malibu number I am in England reading Hollinghurst "Line of Beauty" which goes right along interesting not my way I am in New York 1959 seasons blur heart sore here now limping limiting ready for bed at ten

In Panama

I am in Panama with Johnny. It is snowing. The water is famous for its purity: the entire water supply is treated by osmosis and something else. We are staying in a hotel. Johnny regrets that his friend had to leave just before we arrived. We go back to my/our room. We can make love later: he is a woman: I now know how to make him come: will he like that? It doesn't feel very spontaneous, or even interesting. I notice in the mess of stuff that I have come away with both pairs of flippers, the big ones and the little ones; perhaps I will mail them back to the States: will that cost too much? Johnny comes into the bathroom while I am peeing: the toilet is in the middle of the room. We have dinner at a restaurant. The strawberries are so good that the ladies at another table have to stand up, exclaiming. Johnny has brought a booklet of paper dolls with costumes printed on heavy paper: I am relieved that we are not going to punch them out now. The people at the next table get up and leave. The real present is a poetry book called "The Second Idyll": he has ordered two copies, which are coming in the mail. He recites me a bit of it as he is fitting and laying carpet in a house by the side of the road.

Perfect Aim

tutor swim nap tractor hot idle pay bills consider nuclear arsenal GET RID OF IT housing bubble kiss off website designer lookin' China malls Merchant unmarried no children leaves films tricycle engaged time mine to shape hardly differs alone same evolved routines dull appetites pleasure feeding reading gazing breath skin body structure naked perfect aim dispersed consumed impossible anyway

Duh

load video editor Hinrich lunch nap mow write plunged revise memoir secret is just do it duh Cicero against pleasure age better off without hm so I wasted time gladly not a great man regrets no big deal someone else now on I doubt it chose refine sensation be here now words mirror mind experiences body form emerges from deep time remembered blood worth praising no great deeds hero saint goal maybe saved radiant openly replete

Daily Learning

no one reads but one two who needs Ive had readers it doesnt make different no one but one two responds lack affect civility ignored lost in who thinking not speak stars trees universe thought waves afloat with Cicero convivium use what you have and whatever you may chance to be doing do it with all your might daily learning something new daily decrease of all excitement daily application to my project daily steps improving hours

Being Russian

put self aside think other worries fall stop down in street at pool go on sink where is bottom realism needs elaboration Stella raving on being Russian giving get past what is defeating you iron blood take pill concentrate something else real more needs work is time narrowed hours pleasurably lost o let me work!

Adrifting

update resume still doing adding planning days before departure slow one thing each tiresome Brush Creek unwitting static slump no good my purposes no interest theirs well Alfred got a boost opportunity blossom me another delightful work practice funny deep adrifting cottonwood rain clouds breeze defy gravity useless word packets dropped void echoes noise of thousands read AIDS rebounding speed-crazed gays fish internet instant one arrives infected feels too good not to do it what else must be something mowers gasoline grease goo-gone trash full thwarted damp crooked dorje glows dark bronze on silver matte light behind like match light local brief then darkness turn it on rug video props walk feet wet if I could I can but how much longer

Who Knows Better

not write politics gadgets money diet illness real estate opinion taste ethics moral history fashion war science bush cronies carbon mitigation race addiction wait go back one second sorry cant stop driving stop burning electric stop gas heat water cook only love free open soul breath while we can say whatever think about who knows better what counts real

Natural Zip

work hard be lazy thirteen years love practice getting good being ourselves and others change permitted precious welcome Charlemont party traffic fouls the quiet road long square limo father sons dog mansion opposite bah no place to shit dreaming Johnny worst together to New York smug we're not so 'volatile' is it true doubt premise lose him again pluck some Byrd his century more spirited where friends share you play not body our time live in history fragile thought fragments now upbirthing sun sparkling wet leaves fading surging maturing saved my way how not be sad perspective undeniable contingent only this oh Greece clear breath before what happened not savages only satisfaction berries roots butter subtle cream be lovers friendly warm natural zip

Senses Wane

violet has stars in her eyes love forever present in the pores of her being the sweetest glow the softness of love yearning aches to be near thunder said the Kyrgyz minister of emergency situations birds nest in eaves desperate people cross rivers borders sincere eclectic rugs from India Pakistan Nepal Kabul Mazar-i-Sharif come Portland serious sellers frivolous browsers Pearl Vietnam lunching beer Italy coffee city within ten days Uzbek authorities will decide their fate "Mo' Better Blues" what is he saying faultless style incoherent may not to black iron all shirts backache better fatter pillow between my knees further weather news after the plateau a huge improvement new word anosmia loss of smell saving senses wane millions acres forest lost take my turn on the tractor compile my blog

Visible Person

library board election not won more relief regret dread budget conservatives blather dry meetings 365 votes me fourth of six first political compelled name face in paper all my lives visible person reread Gary's Postcards from Samos struggle heal half year after losing Gail affirm interest power days swim by playing through the Mozart sonatas New Yorker bookless city connections elusive keep trying two boards enough poetry today theatre ahead connect me here rain falls diagonal wind soil saturated grass pulls ahead sharp mowers barned pingpong table silent music never ends

Second Best

"I said, 'We all end up doing what we do second best'—stealing from Somerset Maugham, I think—and she said: 'No, we don't! We don't do any such thing!'" "There is a clock running on you and not the clock of mortality but the thought that there is an unknown date when you may lose your marbles, when you can't focus, you can't write, you can't pull together complex thoughts." (Peter Pouncey) stalling aftermath "Butter Boy" indulgent plan "Trouble" write blog not enough video edit obligatory time waste treasury journals memory imagination alternative lives "$40,000 in the bank today" woke me horrified Sotheby's preemptive temptation can't get comfortable squirming wriggling

Irises Climax

how does a drop of rain become mist it just happens oh boy vapor paintings irises climax hunger arouses time nip Trouble budget email roundup heater swallows warms occasion calls I rise run between drops anyone so agile unaccustomed buzzing medivac noise quick gone the neighbors sell across our bedroom his knee cannot work raspberries strawberries asparagus five children each mother father not the same motorcycle Cadillac paints assemble without enthusiast no such thing as too easy better breathe not burn air not smoke primal fear awakes dull memory wet bright spot think of Julian star wish ever aimed rash benefit so fate derides decision precious raveling seized appreciated stopped

Timeless Now

three simple requests to recognize a stroke SMILE RAISE BOTH ARMS SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE failing any 911 immediate treatment critical no self-conscious hesitation wait 4 inspiration one idea enough no poet care my class percentile 64th occupation education income wealth what of mommy daddy art taste culture cocktails Chryslers clubs reading circle democratizes self expression B minor Mass echoing cruel pews flowered vault Louisa solo Hinrich oboe Laurel second soprano barely made it booming tympani basses better radio fuzz Gardiner's buoyant both mowers broken Carol pulling weeds right handed I protect my fingernails movies end life goes on or vice verse measured in ens and ems fill in future downshift step out round writing sprawl find form by application input processing language I prefer to Celtish myth words admit it personal taste I frankly deplore despite good will to wallowers may they effloresce my fiction a timeless now you see or not for me there is nothing else

Flat Tire

Politics and economics, atomic bombs, primitive and abstract art forms, the entire Orient, symptoms of "thaw" in Soviet Russia, the Future of Mankind, and so on, leave me supremely indifferent. (Nabokov) everybody has something wrong epileptic broken bones cancer backache bleeding Vietnam pain nerves dizziness splinter fat geraniums planted Phoebe resurrected week in Dick Vi's barn black cat fled Ginger disgruntled mayhaps what can we know letters Paul Tibbetts Guy Jackson then mow no go flat tire

Breaking Out

protests violence breaking out Afghanistan Pakistan in headline not story continuing Iraq horrible Delay buy sell disgusting parasite an unknown language Nabokov "Real Life Sebastian Knight" Alessandro Scarlatti "Griselda" therapy cleaning being here Uzbekistan Kyrgyzstan Caleb Carr imagine sell my Arbus pay for "Trouble" New York expensive fun thinking put away all these papers clear writing reclaim my studio everything lent play repaid deal with it let music leafiness orderly grow

Favorite Company

after Alfred play visitors party cleanup a romantic outing originally aimed Steens Mountain road closed snow Columbia Gorge instead closer shorter wrist therapy beginning patience worn I balked then willingly gave in good choice drove airport highway third time three days rain traffic relieved veer east up river goodbye city crowds historic scenic byway slower quieter prettier real towns amazing vistas tamed exploited watercourse edges filled for roads rails development real waterfalls Multnomah satisfies found Hood River inn watched kite boarders cruised zeroed in on perfect people food favorite company each other Nabokov dreamed morning sun Dalles another failure climbed out river into sweeping wide high space I love big rolling hills green plowed steep strips untended fast empty road Scarlatti opera dove canyon wild Deschutes houses crazily close cliff edge rose to sagebrush far horizons power lines antennae stretched vision made me smile Madras Redmond sad past lost Sisters sweet coffee over Cascades driving daze tired eyes happy home violet's wish is coming true josh wrote her an email signed love josh violet is filled with joy

Gushing

violet is blooming like the spring flowers she is gushing with love from josh josh is in love with violet he feels this feeling for her yet too confused to understand what it is violet knows she has seen love before when she holds him in her arms she whispers to herself i love you i love you i love you not a word out loud she knows his heart can hear her call of love violet waits for the day josh will say out loud to violet i love you sam does not give up he calls he writes he so desperately wants violet violet saw sam at the art show they carried on like two puppies if josh could see he would know that something was once there violet knows not to be alone with sam sam wants sex violet wants only josh violet does not want to have to push sam away violet will be gentle and not hurt sam violet waits for tomorrow tomorrow she will see josh violet gives herself to josh

Double Vision

strange, I feel so furtive reading your bloggy journal permission alacarte, so easy the guilt of habits thief peering around the words, meaning turns the corners lurking, a voyeur at the party peering though the lilacs greedy ghost in your conversations with Julian, Alfred almost like double vision, so strongly do I remember

Even Here

every wrong line reading rankles unsolved slap broken dance each pause refinements unattained I'm sick of Kierston chewing tongue stud lounging laughing all is not forgiven compromised Linda gives no recognition acknowledges no pleasure continues to unfurl half hour set no more now they help my party pleases cast present well intended ritual complete goodbyes drive through rain to airport Julian shares confusion withholds clarity himself tender thirty my breakups scarcely relevant live through right moves mistakes alike his plane two hours late toys books coffee people hugs head back on Eno highway Mac's Alfred sentimental Sunday jam eight ten string bass rocks rollicks frolics works it thrilling loud for me I gladly home to bed how much I liked what the actors did the play alive its strangeness problems solved oil moving rocks imagination empowers even here amid dumb greenery stupefied history driving animal machines good plain people forging lives without language common kind give all give value taking heart good food drink friends eyes art blood lovers waxing moon

Final Photos

one more matinee and "Butter Boy" will melt away my sons be gone if Alfred find his wallet lost in dressing room awake at dawn thinking of final photos strike cast party driving Julian to PDX this hollow in my heart enlarged a test of equanimity flash red cycle months exhausted Julian runs thinks of living alone work Alfred too school acting study spring pancakes bacon maple syrup summer road trip fall casting winter "Trouble" in New York books out wrist recovered we are discovered show folk frustration broken cherished

Complicated Feelings

both sons here quietly natural Julian came to see Alfred act wants to auditioned for Dickie in "Trouble" encouraged to be gay he isnt so inclined better act I laughed delighted at my clever lines he caught flavor cast Julian excited work full of complicated feelings not to be explained I cleaned the house made chili for party we both mowed pingpong battlers thats the way books not war

Normal Children

Erik Erikson vaguely famous my low-key counselor at Riggs refused loyalty oath I litle knew confirmed his theories malleable ego identity crisis necessary useless rush how long it took me to grow up wisdom needs every phase resolved our sessions nothing special he the hidden force behind permission to direct hunt mushrooms with Freud see normal children compensate Liz Hawes my political awakening prematurely antifascist French black lovers Joseph Losey son fostered me the writer kindly hinted what I was missing body speaking across stages plural brains plant understandings only later recognized as real

Too Soon

fired off script to Crystal in New York otherwise paltry errands lazy daze irises blooming in the rain LAST WEEK- END! signs up soon be over done swimming pool calls could be last with Alfred bittersweet departures loom Julian comes tonight goes too soon aching night heralds generational solitude momentum's end thrown back on our own not alone thanks for that three hands plus fingers weakly wiggle give me months to write travel love

Play Time

rain after nap deflected weeding Alfred mowing dripping warm I wrote letters wanted writing New York re-exerts its pull ambition no whit diminished after decades of diffidence I know what I want I have it room to play time to love no holding back respect self-doubt not stop me now deep pattern deep relief I will pursue it to the end

A Good Critic

Mel Gussow dead at 71 Kafka shrugs I might have had a career like his started with a house on 11th Street I was in a fifth-floor walk up cold water tenement railroad pad my chosen path diverged I might have been Stoppard Marowitz Lanford Wilson in- stead remained became myself alive at 69 looking ahead not panicked energy decline I will be dead generations unimagined responsible themselves Alfred sawing in the barn make signs pull in audience driving back forth Salem audible inside he was a good critic wrote professional I disdained I do disdain even doing it myself serve interests I fled from dropping into free being following my heart

Stretch

available words no panic impact arousal plans set afoot do "Trouble" January Theatre for the New City New York Crystal called positive house production split gate myself finance I know how Alfred play Dickie Crystal Tess a stretch let's all stretch take it commercial cast with that in mind am I too pure nay I am ready for success Voice essay accepted grace pay spent whole day money car sound five hour suburban operation fun movie flash pinball bowling time conditioned achieved

Personal Good

not content to comment on public mind events living on social security savings inheritance precious peace nature framing my unfolding experience love colored music sweet sensation this my log no groupthink effloration mass misapplication backing power ego's game I play my way aware of everything going down affirming personal good not fallen politics life is suffering history tragedy our own doom fast approaching why go on some silly human cheer arises within between among I so enjoy days light darkness hugs laughs harmonies