New Technique

always looking around never still searching eyes faces beauty sorrow joy white sky fragments fall big light flakes draw wild lines space between walls Rosalyn Tureck insists credit her new technique perfect transparent Bach

Raw Food

Silver Creek is flooding the lower pasture where we planted the native saplings Carol took up the electric beaver fence Hannah wants to go back to India she and Alfred can be together in the monastery if they say they are married Steve moving to Shanghai for three years learning Mandarin Jean-Claude writing a romance novel eating only raw food nearly a million people are coming to Times Square tomorrow night I am living a block away what am I going to do

Step Aside

why war Jean-Claude play asks mine plays lovelessness he thinks lack of feeling am I hopeless escapist allowing Hitler how to handle history step aside his earnest face-off not my way

Too Crazy

what I was afraid of was the bomb smuggled in bring the whole thing down in agonies of ruin wrong place once arrived afraid of nothing gloried density investment all creative acts the local streets too crazy though as New Years nears decisions interview by Jerry Tallmer still truckin down the a-ve-nue otherwise nervous breathe 3000 postcards just in time to burn regretting none of my loves mainly present Alfred never lets me down

Elevator Heels

remix pard-on we are intelligent mushrooms bicoastal homelife come together elevator heels vibrating lap Spanish high on rented colors floatable sense action misled rehearsal prop salted horses grazing machine noise crazy neighbors drunk hunch distance each another

Christmas Past

naked harpsichord dawn overlooking gray sea dressed read Times oatmeal first then eggs no veggie sausage me ick packed piano favorites one wiper blade missing flip it forward wave immense fondness Dan mutual rough studio art chaos everywhere amazing odd creations gave me beautiful painting Ha Long Bay tiny watercolor Stonington sea blue film glad back city wild Donald came in added blinds lace curtains new pillows books video wreath floor tape failed again Christmas past ate walked out phoned home ready work

Delicate Piano

both sons happy happy father Julian peaceful Nefi Oakland Alfred walking Walden Pond oatmeal stockings presents here silk gourd rattle sage bath feast talk light serious personalities respite foghorn child wavelets delicate piano "Bob Flambeur" Alan computer Troy Brazil tips Ana Costa Rica happy Christmas

Christmas Eve

city morning Stonington starry night via bus terminal lower level present crowd no visible order every seat taken champion talker L.A. earplugs Jhumpa Lahiri good read it zigzag thru Harlem Bronx no traffic Foxwoods Dan friend true artist studio Old Mystic salvage Honda halves two cars welded muffler falls jams lifts up rear remove dirty hands church full children animals pageant collection communion none for me thanks party call home cold point exquisite village construction zone most closed up winter

Tiny Sprouts

is anybody reading this oh whats the point no diary no lit my energy going into play living city friends Bill Hart again Afghani solstice closer Missouri Libras directors more to say than ever no one paying reading cares Christmas bearing down subway running presents wrapped actors learning lines I hope love weeding my wildflower garden tiny sprouts defying winter

Different Shoes

Drama Bookshop Shepard Bottoms Liebowitz photos Times tower how be so good clear walkers coping people overcome adversity Dino stuck 59th Street Bridge not moving they beat me to theatre started rehearsing sans director fine répétition learn lines ideas are mine creative change clarify slide flashback Hamptons complex scene move space time mind heart persons being walk from Empire State Building feet up different shoes first bad taximan Lincoln Center find hamburger see "Light Piazza" thanks Patti romantic story beautiful music dynamite cast overelaborate production values we loved it walked briskly home strike over

No Pants

sketches at last proscenium curtain surprise as long as it looks deliberate rush train India no pants late bang six buried climb watch out no shoes day off shop food spill coffee clean Serena Hanon Judith ill Rockefeller Center Saks Saint Patrick holy water Greek coffee crystal star Gap Love Saint Thomas Ceremony Carols 21 boy choir harp heavenly tears come easy dim candles Christmas gospel Messiaen slip away cold home tofu celebrate solstice holy sun return

Human Energy

the trick is to just do it so sez Sal wisdom at the time more art over sushi positive precious friend human energy no crisis wasted suffering joy discover change rocking Cesaria Evora washerwoman star Christmas lights tree presents paintings nuts after excellent rehearsal despite strike traffic hard on working poor gallant citizen consumers striving to spend

Another Person

how comes it that chaos rules yet the city functions despite transit strike disruption looms actors stranded how comes it I relax my shoulders function grapefruits organic parmesan clean sheets warm toes touch tight space opens Alfred acts and another person emerges

Who Else

Nick Cernovich Montreal 76 56 minutes phone rapport so many friends remember Jimmy Waring Katie Litz dedication beauty purity children who else knows lighting limited explored film medium of our time Russell Krum West Palm 60 coincidental survivors questions Caffè Reggio Ralph Barry Katherine value direct transmission I am happy to provide

Five Decades

monologue La Mama success reviewed five decades work my life in personal theatre relaxed on message image projection smooth friendly audience accepted honored interested applauded Alfred my doing range multilayered familiar me surprising them thanks Carol years dues paid now I can focus on "Trouble"

Vicious Dog

Fred in Berkshires earth shroud two deaths one day heavy who was the baby in my dream who the vicious dog I killed smashed puppets twig broom no more Starbucks yoga first week did enough must be learning the space actors show up take meaning repeat practical busyness artful

Alfred Brooks

pianist composer dancer choreographer died last night Denver 88 uncle mentor inspiration friend artistic road companion prolific life devoted new work all media alone last years dear Maxine great love partner gone before strength lost grace remained but for him I would not be here today New York rehearsing play countless others benefited too encouraged enabled amused produced at their gallant theatre remember the work of beauty never ends

Moon Love

brr 16 breakfast news Gyorgy Sandor mourn Chromatic Fantasy and Fugue post office line Lewis plan reunion 13 coming Kathryn Alfred rehearsal joy cold then hot give all message Nancy Al Brooks hospice may be last days Peter Shumann interviewed postcards in shop organic market get real here subway pause friendly mellow New Yorkers strike threat remember wine good home dinner used up email continue type "Donovans Brain" gorilla 42nd Street moon love spans America

My Turn

Barry Judith 14th Street subway greet temperature dropping Florent favorite restaurant same Ben Michelle touching amused walk together Bleecker same morning 17 day off no way rehearse no Kathryn bought shoes emailed everybody my turn La Mama Saturday afternooon Michael Smith five decades theatre work Metropolitan Museum same art lovers Prague too solemn Christian bizarrely rich moderns like shopping Picasso Braque pieces same painting later bigger wore out sated home Kathryn phoned O.K. took Alfred "Spamalot" tonight fabulous hit thrill witness work so well

Email Crazies

snowflakes 42nd street email crazies schedule questions floating dreams Kathryn seizure hospital keeps her opens Thursday another show dear directed Alfred Renato love it talked Patti costumes set wardrobe search no shoes cold draft home chill before dinner Ben Michelle aunt babysits

People People

city life established people people call walk subway exquisite Japanese tiny storefront tidy plywood counters seaweed ginger noodles veggies egg plans materialize actors appear read play it almost all makes sense relief pool not large expensive hmm to be wet every window doorway amazing ingenuity my own past echoes least party Bob Dahdah walks out movies ten f word dreams infected Heide oldest friend Doric Wilson at it young theatricals more interested than I am shop head home feet up happy quiet

Precious Refuge

my feet hurt as if I walked across the country instead of lying awake all night till dreamed the Living Theatre talking in the other room glad see me good up four-thirty drive dark sit in plane two hours desperate window happy aisle five more flying reading napping mouth falling open meet Alfred plane stunned bus heavy bags city thanks Donald precious refuge stock up foodstuffs ogle Times Square unpack here

Another Me

leaving is such an ego trip I cant stand myself miss poetry meeting anxiety attacks everything down to the line loose ends frantic feeling unraveling fourth boundless state is equanimity in the morning I will be gone from here from love in the evening I will be somewhere else another me fret over scan resolution let it be

Falling Down

Pearl Harbor suddenly remember shock and awe everything changed four years later it was over I was ten World War my childhood far battles newsreels photogravure John Lennon barns falling down sunlit mud easy errands lost card found my Christmas fluid lyrical overwhelmed rest a while let go biography always downhill end

Hand Mouth

tried out my slideshow thanks Carol not bad nervous at first strange hand mouth gestures Brush Creek flap played out public emails I support artists even bad for freedom forever scheming grants last projects tense shoulders relax after tryout touch friendly winter night

Piano Hands

last words ball that lights up when you bounce it granddaughter: look what I got Wow! Al asleep beautiful piano hands unmarked age comfort holding own dancer feet

Pink Roses

our party night Davids Messiah Chicago phoned after standing ovation Silverton friends not bad two years hand picked two dozen pink roses mop polish silver handsome welcome twilight gathering wine my chili music let me play Italian songs Hinrichs biscotti cranberry bread macedonia di frutta gone before eight proof new book express time presses

Wind Clock

Dino in the woods branches waving wind wind clock while can whisper invitation yes, yes, well give me a hollar bad boy

Custom Groove

sound cues costumes planning press publication printing build cast design set go busy theatre-sit love other what am I missing nothing practiced manager custom groove as if secure safe innocent ready live die fulfilled

Big Event

website coaching meeting minds can do answers questions tell grad student Living Theatre do I know was "Paradise Now" a failed experiment not writhing together is Antigone symbol freedom what kind anarchists help change good history not here big event its raining

Horse Talker

house guest horse talker "blizzard" coming medical crisis horse like children hold hands Hank lame isotopes torn ligament detached back give me something glad not married unaccustomed clutter change easy absorb anymore opera projects ripening as we speak listing images resequencing life story theatres periods places people everywhere imagining

Still Here

images days fading brightens princely art strange Hesse history younger Holbein amazing mayor madonna realer than life despite RAF castle bombed out brief spasm avoid destruction it will pass this generation age fashions tastes social ritual alliances be still here bizarre drive for superiority imagine oneself royalty someone really

New Account

time running two weeks here then there rehearsing city people life writing Ronnie Bangkok exchange books ponder character identity struggle Word page numbering notoriously clumsy frustrated banker ridiculous personality misinformed new account New York money ready spend pay flowing abstract actual soon

Making Movies

moment of truth Gwen Robin said you dont love enough should be making movies stuck in a seedy resort hotel Alfred 101 405 LAX Hannah deer spring pasture green eggs Times clean circle rooms vacuum dust mop wet mop "Me You Everybody Know" time soon quit boards write distract less focus worktime never riper now or not

Too Much

when will I be serious never too much music art pleasure beautifully revealing misery transcended traditional form renewed when is it time not repeating channeled skin- bounded heartbeat seasons rhythm what concentration yields breakthrough noble insight redeem humanity "music is gorgeous the waves slap the beaches and you are having a wonderful time inside" is that it yes what else is loving one other all single time self solo realize whole raga wired search past irony sense another stop beyond what this not even special moment tasting chocolate what should I do tasks present placidly ready set directed chemistry unfold

Full Circle

secretarial duties despatched dont wonder what to do do whatever any to be done the story is not leaving but coming back full circle Jean-Claude too Jerry Tallmer called will appear La Mama wants script writing multi papers rain dark shopping weight longing mellow film overcooked grip fool tradition sentimental stuffed

Both Ways

move big hay bales tractor hook makes happy thanks peace health love welcoming community here New York hearts exercised swimming living burn disk new computer zest orange cranberries winter sky sunny days gone by Alfred Ojai Müllers Julian dire phone croak love both ways

Much Risque

Ms. Churchill seems to be saying that life presents us with an infinite array of possibilities, but we restrict our options by reacting to them in the same, predictable ways. Much risque must be run to achieve great and Brilliant actions. (Nelson) list calls publicity clean gutters date tapas Paris Trio Haydn Ravel Schubert bonus Beethoven pleasure worth drive anything dream Warhol sculpture left four-footed reading Jean Giono cholera world sick but Im well warm expressive

Glowing Stillness

Sharon peace party pray right unfair good change affirm anything better pity victims everywhere concentrated else normal blessings prevalent here pay open heart mind healthy acts glowing stillness ears awake await Godot there she is now improvising structures desire sensation thought

Exactly Enough

poring over Lulu Julia designing book cover image boat canal modern houses dire mood graphics play image headline Daily News so excited I had to take a nap walk along creek flowing fierce low electric fence beavers bow hunter stalks buck dawn 32 exactly enough

Wish List

Josh Leo "prolific" 63 the cusp of old age amusing transfigure continuity restored confident new better learn all the time wish list theater finish started porch paint electric youth fresh now small world serve farmers brighten better live laugh wake

Thanks Gas

half hour then cook eat stuff balloons trumpets flutes tambourine write song insulated killer cold bright box warmth thanks gas natural misery delayed now comfy unfear seasons ruthless ravage chocolate boom distant veil of sound water substances actions persons need rolling backward globe turn around!

Descending Runs

Dancer my horse put down given 1999 Hearts Adaptive Riding happy afterlife loved loving walnut leaves fall like rain affected Didion meticulous death book dream houses city crowd wake think publicity challenge get press sell tickets Beethoven Op. 90 coming strong fast descending runs intricate graceful art without which life is not worth living

Waning Days

afraid involved be taken away touched quick breakfast Pluto flood victims Indians infected my own fantasy rut squishy mud dissolving moodless marooned in happy routine love bonus healthy helping self manifest dream how live calm consuming reflexive contained fight back waning days cram light warmth creative action reach out go inward tubules circuits fingertips toes heart water fluid air

Fun in Parts

Carol won open class Oregon Mtn Trail Champ fan club proud diligence rewarded money thrill pleasure "Last Waltz" Robbie Robertson so cool "Fokkers" fun in parts on message truckin time bucks attack my Italian cypresses emergency fence Soren legacy missing third act alas I cant sit through it anything too worked out balloons get away mind inconsolably open

Last Link

Noel Coward companion actor singer dies 87 last link something I played Coward character "Man Came Dinner" 16 sang saw himself "Sail Away" lame already nostalgic not even dead connecting actors scheduling rehearsals buying computer ordering warm pants writing release finishing website "Dogs Bark All Night" 2000 eloquent passionate tender direct against war for compassion justice joy

Too Obscure

something will occur to me if I sit here long enough mind emptied theatre afternoon increasingly irrelevant they care feel competent I bungle cash register patronize actors some good others just not my thing spoiled quality great art no joke work play too obscure

Rainy Roads

advantageous marriage early tantamount safety jungle New York Times sez few type outside pages novel at Eugene trail course Zola horse race whither style wit Portland book awards polished realness writers praise rainy roads between numbing mind watching motor reflex hesitates touching sincerities daunting will unbearable Nana walking see what animals asked

Chinese Flowers

briskness concision acceptable motives farce requirements reeling dizzily across rained-on room thanks poignant Lindsay Anderson called Patti took on costuming "Trouble" team glue love Veterans Day off swim no work need I too recover yielding ordinary vantage limits joy like Chinese flowers boy bounce leap rope splash consult map inhale image shining street blurred lights ballroom mean arrive on schedule time again

Star Moves

each scene how invested passing through responsible dependable independent free grid rhythm star moves rivers roads hunger satisfied arising undeserved blessings flow poets theatricals bumble slow develop see this our life crystal service delighting time lit chocolate amber special lavender moon wax Indian flute flesh experience responds young night invites expansion what find beyond no careful hoarding meaning spend plenty more dimensions rut synaptic leap golden anyone unfolding unguessed petals

Status Alert

invisible authority ideal directing Living writhing waking distressed The true nature of human consciousness—in the time that can be spared from the quest for food, sex, and whatnot—is to enjoy itself by every means possible. status alert nine more pages to make links to activate learn coding hours work every day necessary progress ready go clock creek running full

Accepted Narrative

R. C. Gorman gone the accepted narrative John Fowles nowhere now Misty! Shame on you! You lied and cheated a 90-year-old woman! You were paid to clean out storage unit and instead you dumped a pee-stained queen mattress on me. fog chill gloves Overture French manner kumquat marmalade

Various Breathing

glad green though war goes on Carol oasis of outdoors inside airport welcome hug I always unpack immediately organ recital Christopher Wicks this his instrument Baroque Frescobaldi to Bach German Italian French happy close again pool full routine spa warmup 104 forty minutes deep-water workout eight laps various breathing strokes two laps kick fins stretch shower feel good

Opening Night

dream "Trouble" lights another sunny yoga break easy Alfred drum choice Mali after all museum book sale non-art Truffaut Hitchcock Bicky Super-Rica Dennis Franz Arturo Tello Pam Schiffer Montecito Bill Hart Brooklyn fix areas at last add back diagonals Derek massage cues thanks Brad home hottub pack Bicky cooked good Alfred Hannah pick up John Alexander opening night house full friends first play flew funny crazy my lights fine terrific actors second gripped end slumped triumphant Genesis West return Maurie better ever party CAF Lackners Tom-Mike Mo wacko happy job well done worth return ready home

Perfect Timing

shooting star end flash mountains weary weightless water 103 Maurie ended happy actors eager audience brighter better flowers I forget how hard it is others like my lights but I see flaws could please start over whole different this skeleton sketch Brad will make it good see how add lekos style what is plays are what are perfect timing Alfred music Scotch Chads eat final dress

Renting Skates

dreaming Johnny wakes me in a cap renting skates roller ice unclear talk scramble radio lunch Tom Jacobs catch up theatre pro time best critic patience best teacher (Chopin) looks like Bicky it is hello Jerry shares bad news George dear home nap flu shot on theatre race toward opening night

Buck Attack

Oregon report buck attack birthday flowering plum rub antlers strip bark kill mad shoot meanwhile good play work set behind no Tal breakfast Bicky coffee Bobby dear lunch Alfred try drums nap refocus blocked carpentry sawdust clutter Intermezzo steak arugula zinfandel shop shoes again gray excellent tempt think cashmere silk grueling rehearsal no complaint soak hottub stars bed warm sleepy glad here home where it is

Old Friends

old friends back together doing play comfortable vibe grueling set a day behind shockingly exhausted my crunch setting lights Brad first-class techie cue-to-cue tonight creative catchup actors practiced conviction glamour two hours lunch La Super-Rica back two hours focus drive up hill dazed nap groggy supper cleanup ready tech

"No Problem"

too many young beautiful spending cluttered sidewalks teeming mall silk cashmere merino wool tempting disappointing Pumas better nothing morning radio talk friends helpful publicize our enterprise halloween big here work draw light plot pick colors watch rehearsal plan cues deja vue again Center Stage same pleasure talent slow unfolding revolve parts missing set a day late "no problem" in my element

Best Sushi

last day off too perfect lunch Ginnie breakwater nap destroyed afternoon Alfreds birthday dinner Arigato best sushi each bite symphonic epiphany like Charlotte Rampling naked realities age love India Europe beach sleep faucet fix leftover cake remains thinking thin

Day One

no surprise Santa Barbara same "beautiful" balmy car rent check in Bickys view supper rehearsal all stars plays challenge dream lighting design stage above eye level Dux bed dreamy soft pillows smoothest sheets granola strawberries yoghurt grapefruit Maurie Holly coffee house remodel chaos mind meeting lights downtown lunch Alfred Hannah Paradise read Libby shop shoes fail Debussy nap meet Murray Bicky birthday dinner party ten talk Hitler News-Press mourning city stories eat wine chocolate cake game suddenly gone whoosh day one

Here Comes

ready go California here not here patter twinkle glow green gold Carol lesson then airport lunch Im off solo nonstop future bound nay present another place loved ones birthdays art friends renew this now on hold pregnant desk long distance love nothing stops watch us perform appointed acts weather music costumes paper presents antique soy pot Bicky homemade pickles Alfred here comes downpour Schubert me

Thinking Person

Scarlattis birthday Josh Leos vlog Kerouac made it cool to be a thinking person seeking a spiritual experience Ethan Hawke Zolas "Nana" Rocketboom year one complete computer advice hail meaning in relationship geese cry passing fog deer bounce David Huth "Loren Ipsum" paper dead not love books unimaginable

Polar Ice

polar ice melting how pay attention particular the meaning is in the details close immediate music one or few notes at a time moving rhythm tensions harmonic pulse tighten relax as if sung what matter nothing is real death will dissolve only children art remain unique life particular

Band Practice

umbrella porch porch soft Oregon night racket band practice nearby metal garage extrude my memories for Richard Buck depowered hurricane Wilma search truth recall not necessarily right viewpoint in- visible assumptions color fragments fact these pieces book making Johnny Dodd despite himself complete not possible despite love ever seeks desire burns hot not possible purer honor living dead

My Pictures

"Steel Magnolias" lighting setup answered trust questions grant new dimmers instruments ahead tin cans today Andrew Richard coming help how frankly speak worlds coexist beyond judgment cat skull opium pills double memento mori withered roses valentine shadows pencil water wineglass billowing rocks woman in river erect penis my pictures

Irony Free

36 waist too tight too loose can I go back to 34 remember 30 ah the shape irony free hospital auxiliary Follies jokes mime sing elder farmers wives email cast plans Brad Santa Barbara rep setup Id rather start blank oh well use what have vision arises accept easy no more virtue hard Glen Berger "Lintel" bravura I was here too clever performance crisp

Lovely Talk

lovely talk Michele Bicky Carol drive sunshine grass intensely green trees dark red accents house clean Renato called Big Boy confirmed dates dance ahead calling promising bright raga sonata French suite tabla tamboura flute tactile moving present personal connected electrical fly smoke checks paid bills rising float our mutual illusion while music lasts

Last Days

the last days begin no this the middle tune harpsichord about time shame mow green lawns Ben Brantley Elizabeth Murray help me laugh

Carry On

love rivalry transgression in sacred Sanskrit did not "go" at Wesleyan so... gangster film anticipate Christmas loves New England what is the message life l-i-f-e LIFE! carry on uncle mentor Alfred Brooks 89 in Denver afterlife lovely order slowly empty accept his body work sparkles invisible history immortal art more available ever burst theatre walls tiny audience happenings resonate hyperspace hypertime boost trembling now tender feelings for each other decades instants constant richer

Find Me

how can I get googled stumble upon me please or is this am I not simply generating a text publicize myself go public market in order to work do my art invitation open share my delight tickled diverted encouraged to think what you will find me here welcoming responsive virtually real manifest life force

All Forms

Nathanial Flick: The Marines will teach you everything I love you too much to teach you. Nietzsche said the commonest form of human stupidity is forgetting what it is that we're trying to do. blog new form videoblog extend beyond theatre play artifact communal gather flesh writing blog videoblog send out consumed solo multitudes broadcast seed solitudes snip time detach place add music reference the real includes all forms every narrative I do both balance Libran report experience

On Time

process extraction cleanup pack lock wait bus outside Port Authority no sign guidance kid sells ticket bus comes whale in traffic cheerful driver manage mind on time JFK electronic checkin searched hamburger sports bar reading Budapest plane not so comfortable bedtime sitting up stretch day too long hour drive home nearly too sleepy vague warm welcome glad collapse surreal how different New York is from anywhere else I love it dense intense energy eager now weeks there

First Orgasm

beautiful day friends wind theatre religion lunch Lou Provenzano Odeon open fellowship warm he gave Oreos Cuban music Dominican cable guys happiness erupts walk Soho Village east St. Marks memories Rev. Billys Church of Stop Shopping Jerry in the choir praise god of first orgasm with true love raise dollars Guatemala Chiapas mud relief many hued beard bus stranger thanks my long ago reviews home chill jacket dinner Serenas luxury order in Thai eggplant okra for me reminiscing young sex ignorance later learned appreciate honest at last

My People

La Mama Troupe reunion thirty years later rush old friends surviving Michael Billy Marilyn Mari-Claire Sally Rochelle Ellen fun among my people glad to be godfather illusory significance theatre ephemeral Polonia Bob John borscht blintzes Penny Arcade harangue thoughtful right raving exhausted after second thoughts midsleep need personality not young talent every inside world unpredicted timeless hangout

Good News

huge mobbed Modern day off reward loved especially James Turrell mysterious red light big red Matisse blue window old friends missed piano lesson Pollock Klein Twombly Newman Reinhardt where women others better Hofmanns in Berkeley better Rothkos London Gorky Johns even Rauschenberg surprised how much authority convince presence the Warhols have orange car crash soup cans skipped Picasso Monet except water lilies whole museums of them Paris Barcelona no personal looking anymore alas people flock to art its worse at the Uffizi shopped downtown shoes having seen wonderful red ones on a guy in subway should have pounced asked where liked movie Squid Whale teenage sex misery corrected coffee Pinter Nobel good news

Loyal Care

mind grind night pointless calls morning decisions made crazy cast new assembled theyll all be good do good work worth it time friends tape Patti recollect Johnny romance gay hostility dubious straight I know deepest satisfaction loyal care city country unimaginable balance dire intensity ease human range unfolding fate risk rain plan simple competence

Too Bad Young

first day auditions 35 actors probably casting two too many young sent young women away one stayed to read with men beautiful good too bad young theatre helpful works fine I love my lines actors respond it rained all day 3.54 inches breaking daily record wiped after grateful nearby dinner apartment refuge more today

Oh Well

hard sidewalks hurt legs subway two buses upper east lunch Petaluma sisters friend Sothebys exciting auction one photo bid up past half million fast greed reared ugly head brought down when my Arbus went for my reserve sorry say goodbye oh well enough to pay for "Trouble" another bus slow traffic hate city coffee Time Warner gradually better Juilliard Orchestra Dennis Russell Davies Carnegie Hall again again Webern great new Rautavaara lush Schubert heavy thick too loud

Eerie Rerun

42nd St Starbucks Times nearby internet cafe subway Village lunch Jimmy Camicia show budgets bus east kiss Crystal Theater for the New City four theaters shipshape cleaner space is fine actor auditioned Tess reading terrific could do it sit down Crystal many production details more performances Wednesdays pay-what-you-can renegotiated administrative nut help net some Patti met me bubbly walked 13th Broadway these New York streets deeply familiar eerie rerun Tom O'Horgan gorgeous loft images instruments tape interview his memory gone still thrills great people director find themselves open walk Washington Square ugly lampshades bad art coffee talk chi gong romance usher union beads wander used up subway hamburger home Heather called after midnight suggesting many actors

Same Changing

all night JetBlue squirming no real sleep dawn soon hours gone descend clouds arrive Donald there recognized thirty years later old men losses gains rough roads known sights memories openings new old buildings park New York same changing like oneself keys apartment unlived alone shop eat nap buy new sheets fix vacuum clean better good dinner reading Mary Woronov "Swimming Underground" where Steven Watson got the Mole People knew them never called that at the time

No Match

anxiety waves horrible feeling passes time slow fast everything happens Im really going man of my time no choice these solo think no match people talk look act are themselves densely human Ill be sans computer some days how I will blog well we shall see

Red Peppers

is it time for dinner I didnt have lunch till three everything is getting done the rest can wait zucchini rice butter blue cheese pickled red peppers bourbon Piazzolla New Yorker Talk New Orleans politics pain grant app Brush Creek dimmers lights "Trouble" words scripts "sides" laughing at my own lines

Planning Parties

Papers reordered put away phoning emailing stirring lining up actors to audition city energies palpable ready Maurie call rehearsing "Blue Heart" Santa Barbara Bicky planning parties me present movie night cooked eggplant yummy showed "The Misfits" Montgomery Clift brilliant Miller voice unmistakable all talk like New Yorkers

Seventy

birthday seventy do I pay unqualified attention to anyone this old do I pay attention does anyone this old have anything left to do silly I am younger than they are this age sweet as any other creative juices running strong lucky blessed love in bloom

Casting Call

Open auditions for my play "Trouble" Wednesday & Thursday, Oct. 12 & 13, 4-8 p.m. Theatre for the New City 155 First Avenue New York, New York Characters are: Tall striking mature woman, powerful personality Imposing mature man, powerful personality Andy Warhol impersonator Macho businessman Prison guard My website is up at www.michaeltownsendsmith.com

Do More

August Wilson rememberer ten play cycle gone at fifty warm human appreciation Steven Watson "Factory Made" I knew Andy's in-house guys Billy Gerard liked my poem need assistant do more write books out archiving excavation not stop now

Casual Symmetry

everything is interesting mint sprigs casual symmetry bottomless history anywhere inner unfurling writing itself Bach counterpoint exquisite German transcendant I do not stop to write this only snatch it running like water carried out studio last brisk days of sixty-nine boy soprano digitized fence a game deer dont play does finger hesitate quick twisting notes fluids flow less freely chocolate taste as good sex recede same old spirit expression anatomized in time

Between Rains

dig words wrestled six selves back fifteen sixteen already writing poem story novel play fragments posing as a writer Kansas City still audible same impulse practice refined I tenderly preserve them muck out gutters between rains

Sleep Less

day night rain again another roof watershed decades later who can remember why look back honor continuity pure original intention sleep less work more gradually balance gather treasure regrouping after equinox excavating ancient words this is being friends time together shared obsessions meanwhile photos flying John Albano Charles Terrel young radiant on my screen surviving in my enterprise

Red Leaves

grant writing drudgery electrician talk make it happen if I can Backstage ad red leaves my maple whipping breeze prunes for candy Terry Riley brilliant writing fragments float free desperate past crash self abandon enterprise these fragments shore against ruin lemurs tail wraps tight around arm beyond the high wall the open sea

How Cool

…a flight of fancy, however bold, is never as rewarding as a journey through the challenging maze of real experience (Charles Isherwood). Is this true? Rewarding in what sense? no more stalling path visible see how cool Bob Dylan is We must not throw more good American lives after good American lives for people who hate others more than they love their own children. (Friedman)

New Cards

sorting Soren Agenouxs writing Id publish his collected works who will read anything found bought Mashad rug for under piano storage unit many Persian lovely bargains deepen rifts Sunnis Shiites Kurds threaten Turkey Syria Iran Arabia Israel Afghanistan new cards full name address cell number blog address website under construction complete human contact on to Google fully available fellow seekers yearning

Old Men

Honorable Cynthia McKinney says the people united can stop war injustice is it not hormonal young mens aggression harnessed by old men aggrandize their power paid suffering poor is that not how it is change that rest follows and we are not united falsely foolish suicidal all need food water shelter want health comfort love compassion v competition is there not enough for all

Tiny Dancers

she loved how slim he was in black his perfect puppetry of tiny dancers a private universe of pain, delight her gross molecules collided in that small space, his theatre in fine white hands held their fate but he danced solo on the wires solo died alone, vile alien invasion death would wipe away the stain but he left a pretty purple shirt that she found and wore for years

Same Day

worse than realize dont want know same day sunny anything doable feel think act not just read Orhan Pamuk "Snow" Sam Cohen "Shame" Didion grief love writes truth hard warm mindful real thank you Joan what is unbearable home health loves our vulnerabilities this moment known

Wild Friends

I never saw myself as one of the freaks though I tried to fit in saints imagine themselves perfectible middle American elite wild friends more fun overlapping tribes like musical forms

Flat Out

Carol in the arena two big gleaming horses tearing around running flat out changing direction when she signals with her whip Annie kicking up her heels

Catch Up

Iraq disintegrating hurricanes proliferating might as well have fun company for dinner lunch cooking clicking cleaning up Woody Allen "Sleeper" women included keep on loving chase the now catch up this is it

Words Acts

my life changes obscure distract everything changes now worse how did this happen one corruption at a time writer no passive victim words acts actions consequences if we keep going down this track were not going to get back

Elder Statesman

Gary concerned "Trouble" timing Koch elder statesman politicals not kidding I forget real to them partisans offended wd see unkind dishing demeaning trivializing get into it attack me more scared Id disappear ignored pointless poor Bess Myerson forgotten do I care its history can I sell it without a star not meaning to be mean thats how I saw it Gary better another play blitzed how think I afternoon off Rolling Stone trashes Burning Man Stones say new songs necessity Phil Baker shares Portland contacts cd I do something closer to home need new play New York be bold Keats (1817): …& at once it struck me, what quality went to form a Man of Achievement especially in Literature & which Shakespeare possessed so enormously — I mean Negative Capability, that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact & reason.

Learning to Live

Cunningham novel Specimen Days three stories overlapping characters themes disjunct worlds first nineteenth century too painful to read third future dystopia android alien romance engaging oddly touching second contemporary cop terrorism hardboiled love soaked Whitman genuine writing artful bold postmodern Julian paints clouds coming from two directions I get up do things in the morning hang discuss pleasure dissipation edge takes all of your attention seductive opportunities for grace in wretchedness is necessary real accomplishment learning to live

Start Again

creekside open mike read three poems sorting them for book life sections too many poets — yet I must having written make possible read like this what few read if one I am fulfilled — writing isnt over only changed I am changer living manifest active transformation intimidated youth what is poetry respect tradition and its breaking start again — grammar meaning contain Keats Whitman sufi zen merely live — spin radiant web catch dew gilded flying words our minds work differently must reconceive — this doesnt work

Few Remain

who could write call make a difference no one well Mary if yes invited coffeehouse chronicles La Mama Oct. 15 La Mama Troupe few remain memory faint should have paid attention at the time thought I was dog herds sheep are the sheep afraid or submissive doing what the dog wants

Face Forward

theatre broke melodrama lost money fifteen tonight porch roof leaks cant finish better season no alternative Andrew young president learning brave blunders correctable pray fresh members solidarity in art end high modern not beginning something new last days earnest now market measures aspiration face forward schedule people dates rain fall taking hold acting impulse keeping true to more hopeful time

Early Writings

render new corporate environment method discontinuous non-story early writings poetry on scrap forgotten stories plays cold trail cant do anything do something poetry releases type Becks trial read Michael Cunningham enjoy nonhuman adventure real too sad

Positive Moves

twenty years after Julian Beck tiny creatures ceiling sounds circle square stripes clouds pictures papers sunlight dust empty cups dull fan dark dorje John projects positive moves hugs kiss veggies meditation silent phone when be happy

Clean Sheets

itchy gotta get outta here too many same days waiting jump car coffee post office garbage vaguely Portland am I burdened New York project where free lightness imagine why suffer smooth roads merge flowing freeway new snazzy Tigard mall Borders Apple store no movie thread suburban Trader Joes no contact general cheer isolated persons Hiro sushi servile bows clubby counter light read Alexander McCall Smith speed home waxing moon Bill Evans motoric white cat in warm strong clean sheets

Shanghai English

alone I lose my grip nothing is real disoriented strange Ishiguro novel "When We Were Orphans" deluded narrator grew up Shanghai English how any of us know what is world change grim fact wound innocence city calls just what will I do there home nap till four whole day gone hours exquisite unreadable prose why restaurant alone cook better happy with less letting time pass

Holding My Breath

email seriously piling up behind me decisions actions due think resolve Im not having enough fun lack play mates play music games make art sabbath watch tennis wash windows allow myself break work routine call Mary shell read it tonight call Monday Tuesday holding my breath

Radiant Eye

summer ends cool air rain I wish only to stay home much too read write think board chores maintenance body joy life radiant eye turn wait wonder project what for what alternative warmer clothes gas heat drive less fly temptation quietude allow intuition anticipate whether why

Too Soon

after my nap it is windy I dont want to go to the theatre work patiently stay with the program this too shall pass too soon

War Coming

jules austrian jim catherine french six american men marvel dangerous woman fun fast until the war men trench blast blast then slow quieter truffauts exuberance serves novel appropriates extends language film does everything free deconstructive another war coming cant go back

Notes on Style

the sentence for its own sake words left out; extra words active punctuation assonance and alliteration minimum words; luxuriance unique images; patterns, echoes story in context: inner culture geography ambiguity everything for its own sake/being teemingness internal jokes freedom to do anything make reader work, wake take them inside

Autumn Flame

Arnold Weinstein wit hip word worker all over plum Autumn Flame planted scripts copied punched bound sent I press on money tidy papers desk all place warm letter Ben no work day

Fast Lane

way too focused on myself both actresses phone! Sally NY woke us dawn in the fast lane Mary LA sounds up for it a star at TNC amazed I thought so isolated writing I told her the whole story sounded great she got it happening! Paul Santa Fe loves play cant see himself in it Lorin tossed broke arm

Birthday Treat

thats not my view sex love violet speaks for herself for me close entwined best more transcend self honor other called Mary number message dug holes for trees one each light setup Brush Creek Abe tennis boring even grind classical cruise too crowded birthday treat Johns backyard party progressives revealed ripe raspberries before dark

Romantic Stories

question ch'i I feel it what else lovers touch flows level sensitized feel it meditating web energy community sangha despite cultural barriers each for self privacy property right intention palpable not air five sense despite microwaves electrical body resonance field nothing matters more everything follows violet's romantic stories are too close to her heart she tries to detach and write again josh did tell violet that he loves her words that she has yearned for even though he tricked her into saying it first violet feels they are going through a very delicate moment for not only did she expose her heart so did josh violet's heart ached so when josh went to rome this is when she knew her love for him even when he came back she still felt the ache he left her with and could not declare her love for fear he would get scared violet remembers the moment she knew she wanted him and only him he had his hand on her stomach something happened she wanted no other ever to touch her again she never told that to josh she told the other men she no longer wanted to see them for still even after all this time they have not given up she is inundated with proposals you never gave me a chance or you would be happier with me for i can give you everything you need violet is not swayed or impressed by money she could be set forever never have to work again if she left josh for another violet does not mix sex with love sex is a pleasure love is deep within her soul a mystery of life a feeling beyond no other

Inspiring Speeches

Lorin graduated Oregon College Oriental Medicine Portland theatre full 63 new acupuncture masters commence inspiring speeches listening healing Amit Goswami quantum activist do-be-do-be-do Rocketboom unmediated helicopter New Orleans roofs water people stranded tough communicate no blame many doing much catastrophe no fix rebuild crazy it will happen again and again why wash we will only get dirty again why live we will only die why anything present good outweighs future doom deplore foolish waste improve social justice celebrate joyful now

Love Tree

what thinking by not thinking "Trouble" hard sustain energy solo justify expense how else go back New York sans anyone produce care better "Half Life" undone before catchy bisexual insider plot off map how get anyone to notice bother Heather sez TNC pretty good deal thought so good to know thanks Bob recommends publicist $3000 ouch love tree flowering pear dark red leaves pink flowers spring for me a big maple shade studio afternoon sun blast too hot sitting end sit computer naked

Why Sing

Bilsma sounds himself no matter what playing New Orleans drowned no game stakes reality life art balance deeper doing watch breath be here enabled chosen place luxe separation who reads no one why sing for sound music spheres Jung Buddha G. agree being my mystic manifest home days stuff meaning crystallizing form

Open Mind

crown prep survived intimate dentistry I am not at Burning Man year three off telescopist sez critical observatory tool open mind thanks Times impressions idle curiosity creative source forever "All right, you do it! I don't want to be here anyway!— No, wait, I'm all right, you go back up and I'll be right along." Eloquence requires the pleasant and the real; but the pleasant must itself be drawn from the true. (Pascal)

Civic Talk

star party dark adapted mountain meadow many strangers telescopes disappoint human eye doesnt look like Hubble fuzzy blob faint smudge millions green laser pointer keen sweet nerd communion minor interest distant galaxies music party Wolf house historic moved Victorian bordello afterdinner tapinade tabouli red white blue wine Italian husband John Kelley Christopher birthday Millay songs de Falla Handel Rumanian serialist improv cake civic talk

High Mountains

In moments we will go. I throw myself slowly down. Noon was here behind the clouds. Something else was on my mind, saved from the postcard. Anticipate an interlewd in Holland. That will be something. It won't be Egypt. It won't be high mountains. It may be the unpublished writings if such a thing exists. Such a thing is a complete waste of time. It all is. It is all high motoring including bitter changes with the police. The time is fast approaching. I will move like lightning between raindrops in the immediate future casting my own shadow like an oracle.

Fresh Bananas

too much clutter too much stuff not just words words too everything grows accumulates multiplies merely tidying up fulltime summertime growing winter die back contract words become deeds (Frost) thought clouds incandescent (Keats) good idea bad phrase why negative fresh bananas pretty girls ambiguous enough

Firsthand Work

political prisoner tortured killed cardboard coffin their dog body wake bossy child emerges "go eat" slowly reborn victim Jacob childs alley Kansas City paved strange house looming attached packing car turn away its gone walk mountains no flashlight ticket Orange Zone are you sure firsthand work not a dramatic construction well directed by somebody "I wonder why I dont like it here" artist isolated alien society Fred Debbie needing help friendly email Billy Name relive Taos "West Side Story" "Trouble" tomorrow another duty inch along

Faithful Practice

this is blog 200 if I miss a day I write two the next faithful practice not required inspired David Chicago complete rundown "Messiah" cabaret money mother music reviews 49 minutes day gone never quite jelled type nap fixit type talk movie night "Sheltering Sky"

Baggy Butt

typing "Automatic Vaudeville" backache hypnotic cant stop despite pain drawn forward what next tear away go P.O. gas swim hot spa mellow workout empty pool laps easier old blue Speedo saggy baggy butt embarrassing meet Carol drive picnic Champoeg park bustling important town washed away flood 1851 under 23 feet! on Hillsboro demo new LED stage lights punchy color low power use cool tech $2500 one PAR can equivalent cheaper three years paving endless strip why we hate suburbia traffic 80 million barrels oil a day coal next then gas unsustainable home sweet air horses pseudo Chinese electric beaver fence web research blog

No Panic

This is one of my in and out days of clumsy sleep and no panic. Jon Andreadakis called from TNC the Cino sounds too small. Afternoon installing movement-sensitive light barn driveway. Casting languishes no response Sally Paul where Mary others?

True Human

[In 1958] "I still believed, or wanted to believe, that things (society) could become 'better.'" (Lindsay Anderson) brothers sisters scheme defraud civil wars ruthless torture lives cultures trash who profits Chögyam Trungpa basic goodness look around within is this trivial Tibetan cheer true human choose watch back prepare retreat easy now Im 69 point made this future go children start again do better

Word Stream

lighten up privileged information Whit Stillman whinnying mares Fast Books "Automatic Vaudeville" before New York still shrinking squash tomatoes our own raspberries slumped computer phosphorescent body love my own thin air word stream out breath suggestive pattern discontinuous continuing go buy mango jive St. Petersburg cool pool meditation morning "thinking" return

Damp Rags

Maybe it exists and maybe it is just a pile of damp rags and old carpets rolled up and thrown into a corner of the basement. The problem with an office is going to it. I will go around to the other side to order the etching and enter with the lanky farmer through the cool shadowy gate onto the hot high horizon of meadow above the invisible sea.

War Is Madness

Balkan leaders stirring it up on purpose madmen bringing ruin Chris Hedges there looking at murdered innocents no good outweigh suffering curses on the leaders war is madness Chinese soldiers young romantic marched North Korea to be slaughtered Americans what doing there no trucks planes tanks exhausted sick starving Ha Jin tells war is madness our own no better this not first invade bogus cause dim plan death destruction chaos negative outcome rule never start once cant stop peace exciting enough war is madness

Writer Writes

boxes full of texts unread out mind keep generating more cant help the writer writes always wanted be a writer evidence accumulates visuals only distraction videos photos old fashioned words retain power invisible waiting publication readers meanwhile more prose forms form content my life in out roundabout tonal modulations not interesting to others part me yet they exist

Another Mind

Alexi my writing student fifteen fantasies servant girls English country house proud mistress dark road kidnapping mistaken identity exciting bright humor imagining coffee John books architecture typography civic blog personal history another mind Jimmy Camicia rematerializes in my hand ear dear true theatre heart weve stopped giving it up thirty years zip still ourselves only more so doing writing what we do joy connection whos there we are oh its pretty big little world whirls dense web

Special Brush

root canal expert painless left me peculiarly calm no mood work nap library bought special brush washed Carol's huge white truck gleams horse trailer less show at last first since broken wrist Lora-Faye Colorado liked Lewis and Clark may return I always want more family close instead last scattering like colonizing different planets each alone seeding further faithful iterations if nothing remains everything links you wish no warps is actively warped active strivers sow poison lie murder I always want more love time disimagine mayhem misery catastrophe o be not

New House

vlog noise new house tease marketing nap dream blurs return sludge trucks whine random content ignite defuse flies spontaneous what makes value I dont want to play splat spell check my play work comes naturally great

Remember Friends

hours type Cowgirl Ecstasy backache 95 picnic nap more complex extravagant I forget Lora-Faye asks did I know Allen Ginsberg yes I am suddenly real feast mole direct Oaxaca blackberry shortcake direct Bisquick Silver Creek diet aside too hot anything frighted root canal Tuesday just do it read Pema Chödrön think practice remember friends loved ones lost recovered dream theatres Living light vision glow nothing there Spalding found story medictation lost

Real Play

Lora-Faye here Bolivia Claremont look colleges Lora marrying Edward Maine so far Violet sad Josh clouded Gavin Lambert Mainly About Lindsay Anderson thinking about Trouble form link scenes Dickie comment make it real play not Beethoven string quartet

Plywood Clouds

Mozart letter Ben Robert Penn Warren stamp Sibelius Five MTT SF KBPS my plywood clouds day alone do stuff what signifies low batt mouse 175 lbs easy eat less apricot bread habit indulge why not why whos thin fit too brooding sniff huge climax transfer pix not now wonder where what movie fiction false when this day passes what then

Sky Lines

Al Carmines died last night St Vincents gift song unparalleled believer art free movement fingers bodies piano voices dancing Judson years creative moment bright silent sky lines long there gone dinner four men Fanny och Alexander rich dense Bergman beauty film magic give in theatrical open every part eyes

Thinking About Joe Cino

I am delighted to join in celebrating Wendell Stone's book about the Caffé Cino. He sent me pieces of it in draft form, and it was wonderful to learn more about Joe Cino and his colorful family and background. Joe was a unique, inspiringly spirited person, and he played a crucial role in my life. I first went to the Caffé Cino about 1962. I was ostensibly there as a critic, reviewing plays for The Village Voice. But it quickly became more personal than that. The atmosphere of the cafe was powerfully seductive, and it is no secret that I was especially drawn to Johnny Dodd, the waiter and sometime light man. I had only been in New York a few years and had only just moved to the Village. The Cino embodied a wild bohemian disregard for convention that I did not yet know was possible. Johnny told about his own first encounter with Joe Cino soon after he moved to New York from Indianapolis, still in his teens. Wandering down Cornelia Street he came upon Joe standing outside the cafe. Johnny said, "I'm looking for Greenwich Village." Joe said, "This is it, come in." Joe's generosity is legendary. He was matchlessly supportive to a generation of emerging theatre artists. I was lucky to be among them. I took him my first play and he gave me a date and we put it on. I directed my first serious New York production at the Cino, and several more plays after that. I saw one play after another by such remarkable writers as Lanford Wilson, Harry Koutoukas, Bob Heide, David Starkweather, Billy Hoffman, Claris Nelson, Tom Eyen, and Bob Patrick. We could all count on total freedom at the Cino to pursue our particular visions, however outré. Joe never held us back, only egged us on. Later I had the lugubrious experience of taking over the Cino when Joe was no longer there and presiding over its final closing. But that shadow long ago lifted, and in all the theatre work I have done since, I have tried to keep the spirit of Joe Cino alive.

Nagasaki

Nagasaki not forgot I was country club Kansas City swimming pool almost ten relieved no chain reaction whole earth blow thats what I thought might happen live with it sixty years gas powered weed whacker filtered water sunset Schubert peace still threatened come apart degrade sudden alteration energy mass

Haze Ahead

high hot Mt Shasta rustic this medicine too good Calatravas crazy Redding bridge sun blasted hundred plus glare intense too hot boat Shasta Lake zoom on up stop civil steak salad zin read Spalding Gray Impossible Vacation neighborhood stroll sunset cool back indulge content what doing going home shoot falling barn high mountain border tops out 4310 highest I-5 Act III Griselda ecstatic sublime lunch Mt Ashland 6580 dark haze ahead burning grass read al-Qaeda Darfur bikers bomb adventure enough

No Hurry

dream yoga zazen pack breakfast fond farewell Ben damp warm running up from the garden sure sympathy empathy compassion love Michelle sleeping white noise boss wakeful no wonder body brain coupling lucky grateful climb out Mendocino fades Crystal Lake low class everybody speed they like happy chase fast pack Id rather be led than follow or followed two kids raft only people any fun I am slowed pause blog on road self no hurry

Free Vibration

creek deep steep rough canyon plunge cool swim relief hot day calm green my footing climbing shaky youth kind Julians hand my back when I stumble full boopsie biggest laugh camp dinner hour alone get naked still love naked in the woods Pan-wise lesser priapic cleaner agile dancing words parade sunbright air hot moves free vibration distant gunshot sharp wakeup "real" Julian goes alarming loud spray rocks son precious turning begin sustainable regimen practice Ry visit ending need solitary time collect focus energies see what do my confidence big solid love

Shooting Stars

experience existence as a wave phenomenon no body Michelle Ben slept out shooting stars mouse moth company cozy solo bed yurt why roofed night mild still strange cries not a bird others coming my last solitude seized sarong shirtless suits steamy speckled oak-shade faint breeze intermittent pestering flies read Bens story novella good writer thoughtful fun read three phones charging red lights dark little sounds power shuts down no load unplug helped fertilize last night morning they work I write amuse myself calm center breathing Hiroshima day helicopters logging woke seven frightening not frightened resolved innocent so are the victims fortunes fool tiptoe balance beam abyss many forms flies heartbreak whole

Every Day

every day same sun dry dog write birds bugs burrs snakes voles chew kill Naipaul India London Africa revolution overpass fathers knowledge sexual skill learn years reach limits flourish then levels being body surprise capable will satisfy other self gift release refrain cruel heart chakra open moist lips nobble play smile eyes too close focus lashes fan infinite present pleasuring compassion

Visiting Ben

wordlessly contented isolated empty rugged Mendocino valley visit Ben writer nephew here seven months exploring attitudes is that where knowing begins loved dog Muna Michelle's place quiet only ticking leaves scrapes squawk cluck buzz tweet unpremeditated meditation focus attention watch it open up deep as last night sky home galaxy edge-on hammock gnats mosquitoes biting fly Ben finishing novel hates it says not novelist wants write stories something else smart self-ironic private righteous interesting talk writing know better generational contrast worth words mystery write mystery each own predilections different mystery

Everybody's Friend

well-being restored fill up worlds best water Dunsmuir one of many pleasing places I will never live ruled out domineering interstate fierce winters isolation dropouts hideaway mellow plenty property for sale here once special desire return see more know better coffee helps think not thin speed on sorry cant drive write glimpsed meadow beckons lyrical curves grandly descend Siskiyous Central Valley flat fast glitter no appeal wish word ooze more like Franks lunch walkaround Manhattan everybodys friend

Earth Rules

speeding landscapes not natural flat mountains wrong feel weird anxiety going jazz green forests State Jefferson nowhere still bad history scarred pathetic tie-dye yell at spotted face instant nap eight hours road altitude too far I want to be Europe not the West better home honey can I say that adventure still smell sewer works pure air fouled alley tired motel steak start Naipaul "Half a Life" whim after Mt Shasta highway up up into sunlight huge vistas distant ranges night consumed driveable 8,000 feet last trees solitary worshipers awed high silence heavy holy mountain vibe 6,000 more to summit shrinking glaciers serious climb too lame thrilled ascension sense majestic untame interior alive earth rules

Provincial Ignorance

remorse for crime not committed pull grass from wildflower garden before seeds mature measly cash deposit melodrama weekend saw Nancy's gray parrots well loved theatre paints Wednesday going wild days blog break unavoidable watch for catchup soon return Iraq meddle criminal mistake no credible excuse smug provincial ignorance waste lives good will treasure bad situation worse o my sweet country Tex cronies serve self sway fool innocents decent men deceived ill led o hope of the world betrayed

Dubious Calm

departure hangs over present eludes cascades mossy forest private picnic people dogs tired legs second wind cars pour in dust children lets go friendship reaches out alternative place sleep coffee fragrant smoke alarms scream again break dreams hot studio induces dubious calm money comes chores refrain solo work traverse Mozart sonatas now Chopin nocturnes finger memory surprises reason lyric recovered so we go on in to be me he is my amanuensis rediscovered selves responding nature furthering art sensations refresh soul all food

Personism: A Manifesto

by Frank O'Hara Everything is in the poems, but at the risk of sounding like the poor wealthy man's Allen Ginsberg I will write to you because I just heard that one of my fellow poets thinks that a poem of mine that can't be got at one reading is because I was confused too. Now, come on. I don't believe in god, so I don't have to make elaborately sounded structures. I hate Vachel Lindsay, always have; I don't even like rhythm, assonance, all that stuff. You just go on your nerve. If someone's chasing you down the street with a knife you just run, you don't turn around and shout, "Give it up! I was a track star for Mineola Prep." That's for the writing poems part. As for their reception, suppose you're in love and someone's mistreating (mal aimé) you, you don't say, "Hey, you can't hurt me this way, I care!" you just let all the different bodies fall where they may, and they always do may after a few months. But that's not why you fell in love in the first place, just to hang onto life, so you have to take your chances and try to avoid being logical. Pain always produces logic, which is very bad for you. I'm not saying that I don't have practically the most lofty ideas of anyone writing today, but what difference does that make? They're just ideas. The only good thing about it is that when I get lofty enough I've stopped thinking and that's when refreshment arrives. But how can you really care if anybody gets it, or gets what it means, or if it improves them. Improves them for what? For death? Why hurry them along? Too many poets act like a middle-aged mother trying to get her kids to eat too much cooked meat, and potatoes with drippings (tears). I don't give a damn whether they eat or not. Forced feeding leads to excessive thinness (effete). Nobody should experience anything they don't need to, if they don't need poetry bully for them. I like the movies too. And after all, only Whitman and Crane and Williams, of the American poets, are better than the movies. As for measure and other technical apparatus, that's just common sense: if you're going to buy a pair of pants you want them to be tight enough so everyone will want to go to bed with you. There's nothing metaphysical about it. Unless, of course, you flatter yourself into thinking that what you're experiencing is "yearning." Abstraction in poetry, which Allen recently commented on in It Is, is intriguing. I think it appears mostly in minute particulars where decision is necessary. Abstraction (in poetry, not in painting) involves personal removal by the poet. For instance, the decision involved in the choice between "the nostalgia of the infinite" and "the nostalgia for the infinite" defines an attitude towards degree of abstraction. The nostalgia of the infinite representing the greater degree of abstraction, removal, and negative capability (as in Keats and Mallarmé). Personism, a movement which I recently founded and which nobody knows about, interests me a great deal, being so totally opposed to this kind of abstract removal that it is verging on a true abstraction for the first time, really, in the history of poetry. Personism is to Wallace Stevens what la poésie pure was to Béranger. Personism has nothing to do with philosophy, it's all art. It does not have to do with personality or intimacy, far from it! But to give you a vague idea, one of its minimal aspects is to address itself to one person (other than the poet himself), thus evoking overtones of love without destroying love's life-giving vulgarity, and sustaining the poet's feelings towards the poem while preventing love from distracting him into feeling about the person. That's part of Personism. It was founded by me after lunch with LeRoi Jones on August 27, 1959, a day in which I was in love with someone (not Roi, by the way, a blond). I went back to work and wrote a poem for this person. While I was writing it I was realizing that if I wanted to I could use the telephone instead of writing the poem, and so Personism was born. It's a very exciting movement which will undoubtedly have lots of adherents. It puts the poem squarely between the poet and the person, Lucky Pierre style, and the poem is correspondingly gratified. The poem is at last between two persons instead of two pages. In all modesty, I confess that it may be the death of literature as we know it. While I have certain regrets, I am still glad I got there before Alain Robbe-Grillet did. Poetry being quicker and surer than prose, it is only just that poetry finish literature off. For a time people thought that Artaud was going to accomplish this, but actually, for all their magnificence, his polemical writings are not more outside literature than Bear Mountain is outside New York State. His relation is no more astounding than Dubuffet's to painting. What can we expect of Personism? (This is getting good, isn't it?) Everything, but we won't get it. It is too new, too vital a movement to promise anything. But it, like Africa, is on the way. The recent propagandists for technique on the one hand, and for content on the other, had better watch out.

Moaning

small words big change he lost an eye she died war broke out moaning way walk Brush Creek Playhouse new siding old plywood tarpaper painted thanks Shannon Nancys truck ticket concessions Little Nell audience of three home nap read Theater Castorf Berlin Foreman

Between Dreams

water memory suspends body one single time unfolds lives tragic history unknows reverse pain loss destruction betrays liberal ideal loving brotherhood art not wart flourish protected produced believed in treasure these nights touch one other between dreams salvages real

Falling Leaf

miss Christopher concert web falling leaf what words do like fish in butter guys film "East of Eden" takes me back sublet Barbara Baxley 34th Street why Kazan's melodramatic expressionism my model rejected defied better never so home unforgotten lost in shadows smells silent stars sibilant parenting wet against heat road call sleep chair dream new knee pillow where am I cast substantially changed rehearsals anyway influenced by current reading

Simple Diet

ten pounds lost two weeks simple diet eat much less no coffee alcohol goodies feeling good still too bulgy 95 in my studio music Dunlap keyboard "Bigfoot" journal already typed nap hold hands using my files find surprises James Salter "Light Years" beautiful novel Wes Anderson "Life Aquatic" charm touched

Grammie's Iced Tea

1 gallon water boil and add 3 tbsp tea 3 lemons juice and rind 2 cups sugar 6 sprigs mint stir and cool strain into quart jars

One Way

discover vlogs thanks Times take time healing breeze new freezer berries garden bounty honest sweat fanned forgot nothing on smokeless dull movie numbers invite remorse the past ah ruby soaked lawn furniture pressure changes easily forgive myself forget move another state child partner memories are who we are one way of looking

Dark Confusion

Goldbergs in 44 minutes Anne-Marie McDermott strong loud fast effective barely Bach Busoni kitsch camp taste who knows Reed audience stands cheers wrong turn after gantlet car dealers dark confusion dream City Hall key Richard fell off ladder I took message didnt scrape day lost suddenly spacing what to do relax read paper Lurie plodding plot missed concert finally remember Cino promise

More Real

old building here where nothing old scrape our theatre crudely patched all but falling no money fix Shull paintings smart over skillful trash grammar open express more subject content automate leap oral inflame no pain contained worry read Alison Lurie write Caffe Cino comment Bob Heide keeps me in touch Dick Buck emails Florida network buzz not here more real than anything

Die Trying

movie nights going strong chest freezer location set read Burroughs see roots huge dahlias brown tree imagine clustering of galaxies any direction should see same lighting gig Santa Barbara secret sharing risky bet mind body healthy frail can only change yourself Waugh dust shallow characters bloody pity how sorry heart bank mistake quick fix library Roth's gas honk fan static mars music familiar every no new how deep piano river ripples perfected art futile chaos wins what else but try die trying

London Tension

early watering italics arena photographs nervous Arabian manipulated neck arch horse people obsessed unreachable postswim city Sally Potter gem "Yes" beautiful characters London tension everything poignant today Burroughs chapter "The Disipline of DE" ("Exterminator!") thanks Gus Van Sant thanks Powell's DE Do Easy my practice long wastebasket toss try never miss look later dark place hand perfect pick red ripe raspberries nightly ritual farmer's big crop across road neighbors' land help self asparagus too season passing vines rank berries few no doesn't exist there is only yes all of us are still learning about how the web can be used

Diet or Cycle

take time for music just listen nevermore put up notice library fish for music partners tried again get together Steve says he wants to pitched play Paul sent script raves about Sally first time my theatre library used intensely researching pages website takes me back feel good better months is it diet or cycle

Call Paul

Patti rekindles book about Johnny scary interview people while I am in New York doing "Trouble" TNC Alfred is committed we can stay in Donald Brooks's apartment no word Sally Kirkland I sent script call Paul he could play all three heavy guys don't keep thinking about it do it done

Snowed In

while dreaming I remember another dream what is real no doubt and yet "Rules for Old Men Waiting" read moved deep mind warmth snowed in failing triumph question idea men martial women gentling why then not more effective not knowing war do I not know my true nature no no war is wicked distortion hate war entirely despise hate not oppressed not victim crave no revenge Ry names the artist David Bowie

Ten Principles of Burning Man

1. Radical Inclusion 2. Gifting 3. Decommodification 4. Radical Self-Reliance 5. Radical Self-Expression 6. Communal Effort 7. Civic Responsibility 8. Leaving No Trace 9. Participation 10. Immediacy see afterburn/burningman.com/04

Practical Magic

Art has too long been captured by commerce. Art must change or die. You do not make art to make money or gain prestige. You make art because you have to. If your art sells all well and good and one cannot begrudge anyone who happens to sell enough art to make a living. This should translate as more time to make art. The true purpose of art is to change the world through the practical magic that is particular to art. The art we need is visionary, consciousness elevating, and/or contemplative, for the maker and the viewer. Cash value is no longer an art value. The manufacturing of widgets for investments, décor, or advertisement will no longer do. Too many excellent artists are too easily disheartened when their work doesn't sell. Why should it sell? The making of the art is a value in itself. Even if no one else understands or even sees it. The first rule and perhaps the only rule is that you make your art to change yourself, through a critique of the visual, through a critique of art, through the very work it takes to make something. —John Perreault

Wrong Glasses

mistakes wake wrong glasses wrong saying years ago no regrets yet they accumulate New York apartment material surprise cool remnant spendy window film fight blaze poetry dough balances only Kelley me six art guys John's hot sandwich beer "The Wild Bunch" fans my few people possible best talk last standing hall leaving funny sewer smell stars creek rushing home

Hungry Belly

grumpy no treats no friends phone silent glasses broke swim good no real complaints day breezy fine working pages theatre emails sent on time no escape hungry belly

Hard Pillow

dieting both eat much less no coffee chocolate goodies quick hungry faintly faint how fast thin Kelley visits poetry biz more interested friends poetry part life write every day occasion read give her "The Waves" Spalding Gray sad now nap studio sofa hard pillow dream strange my cabin house more comfortable short plays remember edit errands folders distant gesture days daze faint headache busy birds breeze by forget water social vacuum threatens viability

Three Deer

presence that is the act of being is of greatest importance Bonnie Marranca on Irene three deer on our intimate grass as they were preparing to go to know these girls better little now someday grown I gave Sid Lisa my car no kids took them on with Carol they went to the coast we played I finished "Snobs" fun break from "Rogue River Journal" dinner corn asparagus mole leftovers then they went what distance my age theirs what gravity informs desire

Risky

everything feels risky now even kids must feel it who can protect them when do we notice screaming the horse comes up on the porch crashes in through the door Beethoven goes on absorbed scratching whistles hums frantic resolution

My Life

The so-called "rules of objective journalism" dovetail with the disciplined functioning of a one-party government to keep the political debate willfully opaque and stupid. (Mark Danner) if we got high together possibly we could talk how to raise children how keep yourself intact growing discover real child self realized being your busyness mine is there nothing you want to ask I crystallize experience word artifacts read more write less I must always be writing this my life even if only you actually read it

Less Affection

mouse droppings kitchen counter Ginger given two days catch it Lisa Sid's wife allergic cats poison set behind lazy susan mouse itself spotted stumbling around hides under stove not feeling too well natural fondness earwigs inspire less affection is it crueler to let cat kill it at least the cat has fun

Not Even Hot

directing Gertrude Stein where start lunch errands arrangements water minutes theatre plan siding repair bombs London subways bus trump G8 sad news bad day so beautiful not even hot start to think phone cook chickens freeze berries eat

Falling Light

buckets of blueberries picked Steve Ann's big hidden field dogs kids three horses watching barbecue sweet summer evening falling light past present future darkening oil squandered meretricious oligarchy consolidating control good people look away touchingly unafraid innocent pleasure lilac screened raspberries ripen canes last year strip mall stop light worse ahead way late savage false redeemed

0 Comments

no more comments nobody commented anyway tired of seeing 0 comments comment direct by email msmithor@verizon.net contribute text if you will if I like it I will put it in I don't have to write everything my jacket ringing in the grocery listen to the pockets find the phone red tomatoes cantaloupe and grapes present wavers and a voice yes I remember my only high school friend

No Out

Christopher Fry died 97 long silent time for poetic drama passed Eliot's breakthrough left behind "A Sleep of Prisoners" my first directing relished language metaphor epic antiwar just a few simple soldier fellows tender sensitive imagination flowers draw the audience in reality transformed engorged with meaning lives ignite what theatre can do inspires me now New York four two big two little Carol granddaughters adorable lively Genevieve Gabrielle three things going on at once clean one day over yummy dinner materializes everybody cooking yakking sprites in constant motion sound week whee free my thing adults enough join fun will easy welcoming compassion deconstruct my past epic website forms every page rich substance real experience real people realize my visions make-believe so Freudian bed mother kill father succeed father I myself go straight getting married joke no out it is every human's Calvary each play framed context comment some text photo ancillary documents tell old story anew new writer medium novel life

American Music

ears plugged follow wrestle mower two lawns all trim now sweat violently cant cool down a little typing a little Mozart American music Fourth dust sweep mop water clean porches backache used up whole day calm at last high summer wakes my old dog she loves the puppies roll and tumble nor cares that her grave is dug where flowers will grow tree bloom just loves soft belly scent and snuffle she cannot rise but watches all I cannot let her go but she is leaving

Hot Peaches

making web pages for each of my plays facts an essay credits some text now "Prussian Suite" my favorite actors Ondine Charles Stanley misbehaved three dead remembering Jimmy Centola lured from his own Hot Peaches to my strange Freudian abstraction history Frederick the Great his father King friend sister coming of age agony my harpsichord Michele's tamboura fireworks tonight potluck strangers

Water Street

my head is exploding whole skin wants scratching immerse me in sensation scream jump up and down whirl naked in a sandstorm rake me with your fingernails wrap me in your many arms hang upside down turn inside out lie down in fire burnt hairless I read your words nonconsecutive streaming word banners remembering trying to pull the edges of my life together who was loved who was useful Johnny me child idiot wife what was I thinking I wonder from this distance 58 not child hysterical in the bath Melisande and me tripping in aprons layered we wore three at a time Peshe raving on water street Johnny baptized Julian in the storming sound it was enough the hurricane came you leaned out the window a minor storm what we chose and what we chose not oh god I still grieve

Purple Hair

up down blueberries confidence escapes like peanut butter bread spreaded smooth dandelion fairies dance scattering breezes one hand falls away emptiness intervenes puppies play tumble dancing in the grass like secret messages cereal rings second marriages andante cantabile chemistry color beneath surfaces brief impulsive leaf kites thread forgotten wind sniffing mountain sweetness dry snow melts harmony resolves like warm blooded fish motion like information put away hammock swaying afternoon sun dried socks purple hair browning tree electric fencing future without plans like glue sleeves improvising deadpan doll drama wild cards meat returns library silence like mouth taste like breath in out stop listen polish mirror like another room waiting trackless potless satisfaction pull thistles pull grass finish project rise for tennis visitors immaculate like mother father blessed memory counting clouds like vultures passing miles moments homesteading desert

Road Trip

three days driving big Oregon loop Santiam valley towns decrepit failing pass lush forest lakes deep top burnt piss pick one wild lily fills car scent clouds vaporize solidify floating puffs Sisters charming tourist Bend usual endless strip commercialized America after open highway empty sagebrush dry hopeless homesteads blown away we picnic empty vast eases my soul buzz on across desert deadly pioneers my VW loafing at 75 loves 3000 rpm Hines Burns south ambiguous water land desert lake causeway see no lake wildlife refuge Malheur now blessing bird migration hub thousands acres Donder Blitzen river valley protected eight room hotel preserved historic tiny room old fashioned double bed dine family tables porch talk anyone screens limit mosquitoes night long Steens Mountain destination famous dramatic fault west side gentle east drop sheer mile Alford desert playa loop road snow plowed top closed we head south Catlow valley nary car beautiful ranches grasses trees magnificent isolation endless work north east side Steens spectacular peaks ridge chasms slopes blush green gravel road trail dust cloud scores more miles Oregon beyond picnic round barn century standing nap bigger room bigger bed read John Daniel months alone porch swallows clear mosquitoes feed chicks mud nests eaves peeping drive up Steens remark tree zones gradual high as snow breathe sweet road gate closed lone hiker coming down photo falling P Ranch barn dinner talk alpacas horses cruises tricky too many bugs outdoors bed better read sleep wake think stars step outside naked sky splendid splinter toe pants shirt shoes past roofs whole overhead stand gravel head back open Milky Way glowing clouds of worlds beyond conception clear no lights visible grand sublime neck stiff staggering what do with it trouble coming here below mistakes mendacity catching up stars go on hearty breakfast pay up hit road goodbye clear quiet space ready go birds galore still no lakes steer north pristine canyon mountain labyrinth John Day valley wide mad geology slow lunch busy only food many miles sail down Prineville oldest city ugly Redmond growing badly on and over steep Cascades pines yield Douglas firs Carol driving too much for me happy home flowers trees in cats salad blueberries moles comfort so June closed going glad return

Body Parts

clotted change style syncopated rain body parts lame release me put me in movie fame game name new city old civilization have faith pulse read poem angels indians fly away strike never fair keep on anyway believing saved

Tell Me

documentary Diane di Prima today felt stiff on camera Melanie pleased hard talk deep memory old inhibits documentary me must write myself see myself meeting Diane Arbus middle Seventh Avenue magnetic saw her death picture Times floor painting theatre gallery Denver we work until we die us artists writers know they are endow life meaning redeem mundane snatch form from void streaming away have to otherwise self betray muses unamused friends vain slick music unknown instrument I am the editor you can tell me

Stupid Sunday

most day shot stupid Sunday awaiting what flat prose no use past remember tomorrow all I have to do is apply myself work comes hours produce progress I am re-interested constructing content thinking early times radio music rain evening dinner movietime ironic ironing ah Bach bauxite breakfast raspberries ripe abundant pleased to be good prepared to be wet crabgrass pulled trees planted sod busted bed made video returned blog corrected marriage saved studio clean myself scrub shower floor horses dance to Mozart suspending time driving nothing dark wet shiny slick as anecdotal months encompass meaning what we choose place fate relations hip degrading body image not yet digitized polish mirror though I no longer look

Art Thieves

Janet Malcolm on Gertrude Stein long sensed close method writing "Making of Americans" unreadable modern greatness my great model dream Venetian palace gondola tall exotic woman unwigged art thieves wake amused "mad romp" loving yoga briefly jump-start truck buy 40 arbor vitae screen eventual new neighbors lunch nap briefly Salem again Obo Addy drumming great friend Sid training for marathon so many lines of something else branches reach droop brown die Sibelius clear Dan Marya inviting true friends welcome manifest call Stephen call Julian tie shoelaces not easy anymore mail sell credit poison call Alfred messages love Saturday night happy being home

Original Style

twice lost missed two turns coming back from coast concert fabulous Beethoven cello sonata Brahms songs two old Viennese pianos Brian Connelly Weber quintet astonishing antique clarinet Lorenzo Coppola spent the night dreamed of dogs one burnt the other eaten bear not to mention private pleasures but my mind not tracking as I expect it to glad home no more drive swim lost stay here mow water spoke Crystal now Ive swallowed willing play Tess audition October so thats on after all feel better money enough every indulgence other than one makes your heart flip thanks Dennis and now I see my writing circling my original style unappreciated odd unread to me true transparent

Best Advice

Arbus gone Sothebys going coming back Dennis best advice expenses living New York dont count living any somewhere do I dare to do the work put up another light Brush Creek dim zone deadly even this poor excuse ladder not that heavy accept ladders danger small price light question is actors who will be my stars

Perfectly Clear

summer rain Alexandra surprise writing lesson father Carol's riding brings her growing story Phoebe's adventures English estate servant girls mean step-mothers teaching sentences loves what happens writes funny vivid scenes sly wit swim lunch drive Portland black sky downpour drop living room kilim cleaners they will mend spot pink wool gone home "I Like It" page sun dinner even these long days not long enough cook eat wash creek walk Carol rampant weeds overwhelm baby trees Faustino seldom Traci pregnant Myra hormonal Annie loves mare to too two there their theyre okay O.K. not ok rule thumb myth orthography one preferred write Maurie open heart raga perfectly clear

Blessed Snuggle

Ross Wetzsteon review "Christmas Carol" Caffe Cino directed 64 email Robert Patrick after long silence we will never harmonize dream my parents living hole pour food in on mother coming out horrible feeling awake five up no better saved by blessed snuggle eyes O.K. cataract gradual no glaucoma reading glasses ordered hip so sore I can barely walk using stick may be time to face that again Bobs answer leaves me chastened smug amoral copout no excuse bad friends only artist advises lose money spend on play make webpage directing Soren Agenoux need website designer when in doubt do something on to do list every little bit helps

Divine Specific

'And Louis says, "That means something. But what?"' 'The earth hangs heavy beneath me.' 'For soon in the hot midday when the bees hum round the hollyhocks my lover will come.' Whatever the light touched became dowered with a fanatical existence. A jar was so green that the eye seemed sucked up through a funnel by its intensity and stuck to it like a limpet. 'We suffered terribly as we became separate bodies.' 'I was always going to the bookcase for another sip of the divine specific.' 'One can learn Spanish, one thinks, by tying a string to the right toe and waking early.' 'Tuesday follows Monday; then comes Wednesday.' 'Tuesday follows Monday; Wednesday Tuesday.' 'The clay-coloured, earthy nondescript animal of the field here erects himself and with infinite ingenuity and effort puts up a fight against the green woods and green fields and sheep advancing with measured tread, munching.' 'Swelling, perpetually augmented, there is a vast accumulation of unrecorded matter in my head.' 'I addressed my self as one would speak to a companion with whom one is voyaging to the North Pole.' —Virginia Woolf, from "The Waves"

Much Needed

Bach French Overture nice music! fertilize grass box office concessions inexcusably stupid play how can I hour break then board meeting day break doing nothing much needed fertilize azaleas rhodies play new digital camera birthday present Carol months not 70 yet photo Diane Arbus photocard tender feelings out of lucite frame tender image determined initiative precious on her way collectable emailed dealer sending Sothebys if he doesnt still reluctant lose all obscure production soon forgot but not claiming slot Brush Creek hailing golfballs false alarm cars hidden cowshed maybe better park hedge planning bulbs moving grass growing faster giant mole mounds email cleanup keep in touch dear friends kids fantasies blue ball moving rain breeze cool raspberries we picked my well-won dessert

Interest Elsewhere

turn to catching up back home rested clear poked around Seattle neighborhoods met Irene Michelle drive downtown Irene funny riffing East Seattle pebble beach look across at city what city is that children divers show finds sea cucumber last night foot-wide starfish show Irene interest elsewhere contrast Cuban Spanish Spanish demonstrated dances flicker attitudes fresh fish chips redeemed yesterdays story her mothers love hugs misunderstood mentioned shes aristocrat so fond goodbye graze gazebos Portland downpour dinner sun when lilacs last in the dooryard bloomed Hindemith may not be the one glad reunion

All Herself

leaving green fields home drove north into Washington trees water roadside clutter marble capitol Olympia traffic Tacoma seething Seattle parked theatricals busy networking each labeled theatre job Michelle Irene awaiting wall kissed sat close arm around her thin strong brought Miami are we getting an award she is I am invisible forgotten long gone she says when I left New York avant garde theatre died says this kind thing again again their hotel room Michelle films Irene lies bed talking remembers much exact not where she is all herself always right stringent ego Michelle two years documentary good Italian restaurant I had animale (sweetbreads) fun my hotel view lake city lights hard bed thin blanket lone dream theatre death morning Queen Anne breakfast people bright blue sky

Little Pricks

back in fixed that last hasty wrong first gone day soaks earth wrapped light one side time it is everywhere penetrating fluid move in float absorb it nourishes our little pricks blackness between here eyes fade same inexorable death only reappear hexagonal waken rise and shine decided auction Arbus photocard Sothebys Patti Heide researching alternative theatres raining long day drive who cares what music

Name This Artist

mop swim copy video water wildflower garden show Carol work weedwhacker anticipate Seattle Irene old friend dear art colleague Michelle documentarian name this artist It was cold and it rained. So I felt like an actor, and I thought of Ma, and I wanted to get back there, your face, your race, the way you talk. I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to want… write Ginnie copy Half Life reach out Faustino whacking machete tendonitis it is quiet they consult in Spanish Carol picturesque in boots big hat red shirt

Invisible

brake foot stuck gallon water floor crash fence drop safe embarrassed night writhe read The Sun stories bad light discouraged mob young theatre pros TCG conference site I am invisible its hopeless cant do that career thang now failed grasp advantages opportunity to work practice art raved like Jonas Mekas "We refuse to continue the Big Lie of Culture" explored alternative chose love life comfort missed miss fun creation tangle minds talents visions breakthrough what matters only our individual lives

City Mind

Michael Jackson acquitted Sneddon eggface read "The Waves" shop socks all afternoon contacts from all over clouds floating in my studio technical glitches melt for now Laurel resists my two culture theory but its yes I know true now more than ever two Americas big city people v. rest they never city dont know city mind martinis style my parents knew thats why they sent me east school why I braved New York now live on farm like hardly farmer natural life supereducated sensibility

What to Fight

I am the story I tell myself content out of control un- chosen knock door intrusion conversation bridge road secrets what to fight I fluster computer puzzle Palestinians not raining quiet empty week we will be dead by then this or that way out all fair consider the constructed self service economy failing state injections peace is the way

Back to Basics

up ladder hang lights teen show ouch lavender bastard amber pink blue specials back to basics what is thrill who am I josh wants to take violet for a ride in his car violet loves car rides she will tell josh she wants to go to the ocean violet needs to figure out how to free herself from constant city life she yearns for the moon and stars and open space of time

Thin Again

violet had a painting of hers hanging in a show sam was there they behaved like two puppies sam is an artist he wants to make a mask of violet's face this could be trouble violet knows being alone with sam could be inviting he reminded her of their private moments violet loves the dance of seduction sam knows violet has a man in her life he knows she is not available for him violet does not want to push him away life is interaction with people she will not let sam make a mask of her face cant I just stop pushing thinking I am good wanting to be thin again

Three Owls

dreams more real than reality follow three owls into vast wooded shed my companion pushes over a huge tree which falls slowly crashing others fall cause landslide blocks road sections of the building grand collapse Johnny's apartment filthy bare I set about sweep up dried mud broom handle cut off short we walk through Pearl District Portland step inside restaurants check out menus martini time for prosperous urban entrees twenty-five twenty-eight as whole system teeters toward collapse "Take Me Out" at ART is excellent well written cast acted directed teched light on faces voices bodies eloquent leads me think I should give up my work what was not might have been can this be breakthrough looking for

Good Sleep

night fright day okay light my medium dark demands death no other escape existential horror reading numbered glasses barely work warmth comforts easy quick in June love heals a while dream reality suck undercuts good sleep adventuring once month week ever unbearable alternative meds magic faith art fail against evil void true doom

Breakthrough

looking for breakthrough is it poplars blowing cloud shapes immanent is it going somewhere where what for Denver Uncle Al too long drive road rapture gone dubious New York is it doing here O Italy France Holland O England imagine living nevermore

Real Time

unduly time-consuming capturing video need bigger hard drive 60GB filling up three versions both acts 6 hours just to watch too much where is my assistant hotels theatre tickets trips raining wind eyes giving out otherwise fine what do about theatre New York how move ahead settled life demands expression Building Department hold up Living Theatre Judith 80th year real time takes too long moving stuff around save everything short time finale "Downfall" order disastrously persists Eva Braun fun pretty like my mother young what are we missing denying what dread fate setting up for us

Beyond All That

digital camera early birthday present wanted excellent capability family snaps potato salad Oregon Garden picnic roses don't be bashful we're beyond all that not now kiddo i'm the owner and I'm alive so go away I have been talking to Crystal about my play. She says it will cost up to $35,000 to put it on at TNC and the maximum I will get from the box office is around $8,000. I don't think it makes sense to produce a play that is guaranteed to lose so many thousands of dollars. I am eager to work hard but I would like to do it in a situation where I am paid, not paying, and where there is at least the possibility of having a success and making money. So I am taking a hard look at the budget. I need an agent who believes in my work!

Unfair Charges

keep doing things make moves otherwise nothing happens not so other people act body parts fail natural disasters unfair charges I send Gary book Crystal budgets 35 thou for Trouble too much First Friday we walk downtown pick asparagus and strawberries Michele's koi swim in my screen

Pet Projects

reunited she can hardly wait plunges in phoning typing driving mowing each continuing pet projects Alfred calls for help I can and gladly will printing tuning harpsichord Bach old friend where magic tractor roaring on book done

Amazing People

pushed through to the end of my book about my years in New York cutting focusing shaping the story by leaving things out first I wanted to put everything in that doesnt work thats therapy I am trying to write a book that will be published make money energy go out in the world be history interesting to read entertaining acknowledge thank the amazing people who gave me so much it is still my story and I live through the losses again but another life has happened since then it is long ago yet all one thing still a lover still writing and putting on plays

Gravity

heavenly days pours then sunny frightful waking early dream-laden sorely rising walking dry throat breath gravity bound rabbit rabbit June no alternative

Sensuous Beauty

Ruth Laredo 67 just two years my junior revived Scriabin I do Preludes Sonatas too hard finger understand keyboard crazy harmonies sensuous beauty swoons Mares invited me Memorial Day supper Chris Taylor Annie friendly lively welcome new-old house lovingly detailed attractive Carol cold Vermont safe loud New York I thought of mowing now it is raining one big empty day to write remember my own words crafted prose narrative too old to master Debussy now listen finish Hollinghurst call Crystal carry on

In Memoriam

Freddie Herko Joe Cino DeeDee Charles Stanley John Herbert McDowell Eddie Barton James Waring Diane Arbus Boppo Grammie Billy Lucas Scott Burton Alan Marlowe Peter Hartman Fernando Valenti Janet Stewart Frank O'Hara Ira Barmak John Braden Michael Wiley Kenny Burgess Howard Rackliffe Andy Warhol Julian Beck Frank Lilly Burt Supree John Albano Esther Gilman Donny Nardona Charles Ludlam Johnny Dodd David Way Aunt Viv Ondine Dad Bob Hawley Paul Storke Peter Morse Jackie Curtis Denis Deegan Lewin Usilton Tony Perkins Joe LeSueur Alfie Lynch Dan Wolf Helen Merrill Charles Storke Maxine Munt Mother Joe Chaikin

Tough Weather

car radio restored poorer happier into Portland dine Wild Abandon tame Liminal's Resurrectory takeoff Edinburgh murders dissect elaborated installation meticulous tasteful arbitrary detail city victims unimagined earnest timid bodies clothed pleasant being there pleased quintet some words their own excuse their meaning extra link both ways like choosing colors by their names trying not to get depressed modern history sorry record decline (un)educated class ruthless reapers clutter gloom deepens tough weather worsens adequate opponents hasten escape deny blame what I do instead of working phoning playing then do work plugging through revision book it's good one major life half done another week send out again my sorrow joy leap notoriety great bird omen flashes past horse watching trees massed against the birdcall failing light

Before Anything

good chocolate helps teeth falling in the lake Schumann helps not the one I wanted though life given exquisite excursions inward wow listeners trained on Beethoven here America no palaces extravagant art history matrix our erections temp expedient limits aspiration how not prefer live there then crippled dead lunchtime tears me memories before anything real living years one love giving life adults only leave quiet I see the music ended stops flowing words could go on longer make more progress maximize time earth human body gratified Michele reads me almost every day not grievous harsh one thing follows another

Sushi

swim sushi day in strip-mall America Alfred's backpack computer stolen my car fm staticky Starbucks haircut New Yorker they try fix fail more tomorrow crawling traffic Kentucky Fried it's raining cold in Boston sunny hot in Oregon read dinner dip sit computer on work at last that's my life always distracted always writing something more substantial than ice cream

In Touch

Bob Heide keeps me in touch with the New York gang Tom O'Horgan Irene Fornes Bill Hoffman Jerry Tallmer great idea star "Trouble" Sally Kirkland Malibu number I am in England reading Hollinghurst "Line of Beauty" which goes right along interesting not my way I am in New York 1959 seasons blur heart sore here now limping limiting ready for bed at ten

In Panama

I am in Panama with Johnny. It is snowing. The water is famous for its purity: the entire water supply is treated by osmosis and something else. We are staying in a hotel. Johnny regrets that his friend had to leave just before we arrived. We go back to my/our room. We can make love later: he is a woman: I now know how to make him come: will he like that? It doesn't feel very spontaneous, or even interesting. I notice in the mess of stuff that I have come away with both pairs of flippers, the big ones and the little ones; perhaps I will mail them back to the States: will that cost too much? Johnny comes into the bathroom while I am peeing: the toilet is in the middle of the room. We have dinner at a restaurant. The strawberries are so good that the ladies at another table have to stand up, exclaiming. Johnny has brought a booklet of paper dolls with costumes printed on heavy paper: I am relieved that we are not going to punch them out now. The people at the next table get up and leave. The real present is a poetry book called "The Second Idyll": he has ordered two copies, which are coming in the mail. He recites me a bit of it as he is fitting and laying carpet in a house by the side of the road.