I Won

lazing through the day waiting for the evening show write an essay for The Voice 50th anniversary Obie issue a few errands in town pingpong I won lunch with former wife her love blonde forthright Hollinghurst "The Spell" a nap drive Michele Joy to tea at Laurel Hinrich's video Louisa age five sings "If I Loved You" drive home past tree blue with ribbons capitol Vermont marble Danby sunny now read more drift last night good house fine performances everybody loves play like me

Brief Encounter

violet has all new clothes rose and lily gave her their clothes they are all the same size violet also bought more clothes josh and violet are working on having a good relationship they are sharing with each other their feelings of life josh loves to hold violet in his arms this makes her happy sam she will see at an art show tonight violet loves life violet loves men violet loves love almost every night the subway conductor smiles at violet now he shakes her hand when she leaves the train wishes her a safe trip home violet looks forward to this brief encounter

A Table

house full of love Alfred friend affinity brothers Alfred mother Michele her partner Joy flown in New Mexico see him act once wife now friendly heart companion exchanging visits information understanding nothing at stake I made welcome feast artichokes a chicken then off we dashed brushup line-through Tabitta tears porch for funeral friend another solid human gathering a table harpsichord survive life changes improvements learned accepting who we are become

Nude Waters

library board candidates forum at library I am a candidate election coming up no one there but candidates spouses staff enjoyable meeting people library talk the frenetic pace of Manhattan overwhelmed the placid nude waters I could never be slothful because of them they worked too hard they passed on a desire to shine Peter Perigo's grandfather is a clown stuck heels over head in vaudeville his brother a trapeze artist Peter planning a circus cursed delightful

Good Show

a $50 deposit where did that come from last Saturday I was happy relaxing play open good Dan writes: Where in ourselves do we feel unlovable? Most of us hide this place somewhere down deep, to put on a good show for others, and then we believe it is the show that everyone loves, not us. swam alone new green speedo Alfred my car PDX pick up Peter lawnmower in for tuneup sharpen partner wrist inoperable still enjoy extra services taking care more rug discussions tame piano Beethoven days wakeful nights cant read write eyes tired glasses mishmash old red repaired old clear bifocal distances not clear details not easy drive 3,000 miles

Back to Back

next year New York new tires for road trips driving phoning mowing Julian flying up see brother act Dan Potter's opening at Le Pub: After the computer died, suddenly repair men filled the courtyard gallery with huge cables for air conditioning, climbing up the walls where I was trying to hang paintings with little wires, all of us like monkeys or circus performers, throwing and lifting, gently working back to back. A light rain began to drizzle on us, and on the suspended cardboard angel until her head came off. No one had cable to run the sound and the projectionist arrived and said he couldn't project through the window bars on the sheet wavering way up there like that. Two hours later, the Apple people transferred all my data into a loaner that hooked into the projector that shone through the bars, and played the dancing musc, and the paintings that arrived at the last minute beautifully framed created a wonderful salon where I saw new friends meeting for the first time beginning to discuss wonderful art projects for Hanoi, others falling in love, and some just finding their own dance, as moonlight shadows mixed with colors from the laptop projector, and lovely food and flowers came to bless us all. It was a beautiful party.

One Person

violet has stayed away from josh her phone was broke and no e-mail violet was sad when she was fourteen her mother told her to leave so when josh told her his true feelings I do not know what I want it triggered the pain from her mother being alone for a week with no radio or music gave violet time to think she can grow from her mother's pain she loves herself she enjoys josh's company now she has a different outlook it does not matter if he wants to be with her or not she wants to live in the moment of time sam called please talk to me she will see him soon she will wear her beautiful silk clinging dress she does not have to wear it for josh he is only one person in her life

Next Day

There is a tremendous perfume in the city New York is a city of our time, unmistakably This city is epic The frenetic way, the movement of people, the temperament, the passion Calatrava The failures are what deliver us to ourselves You don't get real by playing it safe Jane Fonda David 847 parents crashing teaching directing singing Serena 212 crazy her apartment entertaining Bicky 805 island Aegean sail music tennis people Robin 503 costume thanks new strategy next time Guy 415 bohemian rent due writing from discomfort apart from Linda's hissy door slam and only 17 out front opening fine noisy bar confab with Alfred after open happy opportunity redeemed he's optimistic solidly came through next day relaxing rain steady falls

Opening Night

opening night morning wakes me early dream escape pod for air disaster very small two people fold in better die my list shorter wire house light dimmery masking prop details acting out my hands electrician Dan meet nine try photos Appeal practice cues Hinrich off tonight alone booth sound light Gene Frankel talent courage R.I.P. last minute cleanup alone crawl through rows vacuuming up old popcorn trash third dirtiest theatre after New City Living worst run my last Brush Creek enjoy this one audience an hour away

What I Do

sunny midnight I am happy swam mowed lost won at pingpong dress-tech tonight fine proves planning works my schedule held all into it now costumed propped I told the actors it is theirs I am running lights did not stop them once notes after two and a half hours with intermission a substantial piece Alfred made it possible pleasure in spite of too much work like every show for the past ten years but I love it in spite of aches months pushing it is one of the things I do

Sad Millions

I talked to Guy Jackson! lives San Francisco tells stories (like Garrison Keillor) Purple Onion having some success happy we are doing "The Flight of the Butter Boy" said icing cake blessed us may come final weekend hope so Ratzinger chosen pope chooses Benedict XVI power holds the line good luck Catholics still most property sad millions believe after 50 years lighting setups I know how another conceptual design no one else will recognize make something with old tin cans board voted pay half dimmer rent thank you sunny grass still too wet to mow clogs clumps

Feast of Poets

spontaneous hollandaise remember Mother invaded the cook's kitchen stirred it herself in a little pan over boiling water let me lick spoon scrape pan unbelievably delicious actually it's easy three egg yolks beaten a stick of butter melted one tablespoon lemon juice beat in slowly over warmth perfect on asparagus artichoke this after all day lighting setup broken by feast of poets I brought wine self Carol enjoyed Barbara Drake Franklin Engel Lois Rosen brought back Jewish New York men burying Gwen's brother blocking out the women ugly ultimately not my business Chris Bradberry meanwhile painted put up signs big black white spotted cow not melting in the rain drivers passing have to wonder what on earth new Google search discloses prior production Chicago theatre a few years back where is Guy J. Jackson now

Poets Dinner

hosting poets dinner day off theatre (Alfred rockified painted mighty table) I bought Honeybaked ham yellow tulips scurried tidied made my signature dishes cappellini pesto salad fruit special cookies Cecelia Hagen Charles Goodrich George Estreich Judith Barrington a dozen more Pat Love among converged conversed house ringing wordy liveliness unleashed Jim Shull assessed our pictures Stephen Landolt books Ginger engaged Carol talk wine flowed food consumed I was still in orange tee work togs no time change till all departed Mount Angel arts center reading small attended festival feature George heartfelt bright wrought personal poems I bought his book Cecelia started one Rimbaud her own concise yearning glimpses Charles longtime gardener wry observant entertaining Judith invoked dyke without name sturdy elegant I was too exhausted for post reception after Alfred pinball we slipped away loaded dishwasher crossword sleep

Nothing On

rented dimmers two fresnels money my own I have to run the show what a dump still last night ran act two not bad for a week out having fun actors have it haircut lights to do not going Burning Man this year I'm in Aguamala newsgroup hear plans afoot their San Francisco life thinking road trips staying here write once past April quiet summer nothing on or in the works begin a novel publish plays revise existing history books cook something up New York L.A. continue blog what being continuity pattering my skylight

Forest Floor

green forest floor floats unified capable artist beginners acting why pretend scared imagine real people sitting this basic struggle Alfred good less tired play pong no wait strange miracle face so what if I lost oh fun fun confection violet bought a dress she has not had a dress in many years rose told her about a lovely woman's clothing store she never would have dreamed of going in a great sale $150 to $36 she bought two she has been working one ivory with smotched pale pink flowers some moss green sheer clinging ultrafeminine sexy silk the other dark pink roses swirls of soft flowers she feels beautiful in these dresses she needs to get used to the feeling she wants to be relaxed when she makes her debut violet is not afraid to stand up in a fight she is afraid to appear in a dress her teacher works with the class on the emotional center she is facing her emotions from the past oh yes the moon rides every instrumental

Are You Kidding?

Frieda Arkin "Hedwig and Berti" special pleasure pass it on "50 First Dates" fun sappy good "Million Dollar Baby" good too somber why is everyone so kind nobody takes care of you in real life you're on your own except love love is different Genesis West website write Maurie minutes of the Brush Creek board "Butter Boy" expenses paint paint green black yellow red mixes brushes income taxes money back Palace Theatre ad my name rehearsal down goes Mares wham is she broken not quite recovers duct taped iced do it again are you kidding no don't smile that's what directors do down went Alfred banged head set feeling not bleeding hurt no blame wry costume wrangles flounders we have one two all together now tired but happy I love this play

Pat Branch

Ralph Cook writes: Pat Branch, my ex-wife, just died in San Francisco. There would have been no Theatre Genesis and no Monday night workshops without her. Her job was to keep me sane AND sexually satisfied and fed and to feed (and sometimes sleep with) my writers and actors in our apartment over the church. She also wrote two fine plays which were the next production after "Cowboys" [Sam Shepard's first play], starring Anne Waldman. She was never produced again because she wanted to marry me and I told her I couldn't marry her because she was a playwright and an actress. So she O.D.'d on Valium and ended up at Paine Whitney. The workshop fell apart. The theatre was falling apart. I was falling apart! So I went to see her at the hospital and she said she would give up writing and acting if I would marry her and I did. I don't know who was sicker, she or I. She touched the lives of so many people of the Off-Off-Broadway sixties. Did you know that she was Bob Corrigan's administrative assistant when he designed and set up the NYU School of the Arts? I know that I was one of the worst chauvinist pigs of the time but what the hell, thank god for the women that made us!!!!!!!

Junior Prom

sky striped all hinges on Kirsten spelled Cierston can she learn her lines morning read out Frank O'Hara "Personal Poem" I too watched Seagram built went to dinner stayed the night are you a virgin I'm not even a Catholic junior prom false painted nails fright despair am I kind communicating my blog like that drove Richard home these three roles his last what else out there for him once model thin so hope flies and me a necessary nap last night's lentil stew ascend to the abbey on the mount quiet above the world green sunlit introduce turn pages Christopher's accompanist set sings 29 French strange beauty droning on art song poetry priests oddly hollow amusing find myself ridiculous

Tsunami Time

black clouds sun rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain drain brain rain blame loud poem fest begins tomorrow scene 13 I cry Action bodies crash to the tiny floor three die what exhausting fun it is directing one does nothing so far good Erato grant my pleas only two more weeks we pray to please mortals gods amuse our higher new mind perfect green solution merge planes space dissolve discrimination false beats random pauses discipline electrically improved drink mind retrieval water work aid wounded relish loving tsunami time ageless now

In Memoriam

Peter Yarrow in Hanoi grant app program credits rehearse buy lumber rehearse Saul Bellow gone today imagination activated pleasure tireless bright profound intelligence adventurous mind recognizable body courage to be himself refer to everything makes me see art all-encompassing beyond healthy productive realist unflinching frank destiny uncorrupt dumb culture "fiction is the higher autobiography" woman-filled man life mortally aware sees surfaces sees through sees holy soul always ready for an outburst of delicious music Moura Lympany too pianist my early childhood after the last failure of radical hopes speaks me Irving says for quoting Bush is a fucking moron

Night Sky

violet's soul yearns to feel the freedom of life she knows you cannot grab onto the stars and moon yet they are always there for her here on earth is no different why grab onto a person it does nothing they too are like the night sky sometimes a cloud covers the moon yet it is still there behind the cloud last night rain and wind blew with force the wind made her feel alive the rain was tears of sorrow for the pope violet's love for josh sparkles like the sea on a clear sunny day violet's love for josh is as deep as the ocean glowing on a moonlit night violet is afraid to declare her love for josh she is afraid he would feel overwhelmed thinking she wanted to possess him yearning for total freedom violet knows the destruction of being possessed josh is violet's night sky

Infinite Life

daylight saving love feed horses cats late breakfast bacon eggs paint black overhead Alfred mix fresh ideas bliss alone in theatre home lunch tell Hinrich Solti B Minor Mass rehearse block ogres rehearse Mershant Pacifa light late home dinner phoning ping or pong theremin search studio moment backgammon bed as for the pope too bad his bright first forgotten brave vain speeches peace not by those he traveled to see rigidity maleness inconsiderable principles surprise us with smoke Carol plays piano fantastically despite broken wrist how does Johnny possibly ditches me on 4th Street bagel changed will he give me his key will we go through all that once again or is it proof of infinite life

Infinite Space

my plays listed on doollee.com my website under construction my email msmithor@verizon.net today I painted the stage ceiling black it was white inertia apathy other values than aesthetic now the space is infinite half done actually helpers didnt show cant paint anyway shaky on ladders lost it hassled hurried Alf no gain four boundless states are loving kindness compassion sympathetic joy and dont forget equanimity waves of wildness steady state doing something helps plant flowers cook dinner I felt him retreat my no he is his own visions of artist need no going back sometimes a private joke all I can do is my honest best

Ready Words

blue sky rain afternoon burn bright breeze ready words It is too distressing when an actor drops out and rehearsal is interrupted and I have to find someone new from a dwindling pool. High school girls are preoccupied with a million things, mad at their parents, twisted by school, medicated, who knows what; or else too sane to invest in something as quixotic as a play. How can they possibly concentrate or even remember to show up? Thank god I have a few reliable people. Alfred has a flair for acting. He is easy and wonderful to work with, completely present, and will be good in the play. It really is the leading role. He is helping me with the tech part too, set, lights, and sound. It's all on us and seems like too much work but we are harmonious and relaxed and have fun, play and laugh and love being together. Having him here makes "Butter Boy" possible and joyful. Last night after rehearsal he went to a bar, got drunk, and called me up at 2 a.m. to come get him. I was happy to get out of bed and drive into town. He was full of feeling, laughing and crying, loving me, thanking me (I feel the same way). We sat around on the new sofa and he talked about his life, drunkenly inarticulate but truthful, and mine. He thinks I should be working with better actors. He leaned in close to me at one point looking intense and said 'JOHNNY DODD' in a strange long drawn out voice; I told him I get emails from him all the time. He doesn't know what to do with his life, wishes he did, feels conflicted. He said he is terrible with women and acted out 'oh you're so cute' and 'what do you want from me?'

Hidden Strength

violet went to her new healing meditation class last night josh is in the class but did not go he is not sure if the class is for him the teacher can see auras and helps you open or close your centers he told violet that she is too emotional she gives too much and should close her emotional center violet realized she is giving too much to her new relationship not that giving is bad she is stronger now no need to be such an unnatural pleaser violet is not sharing this decision with josh he may not understand also it gives her a hidden strength the pope is hanging onto life the smoke will soon be white sam invited violet to a jazz show sunday violet may go

Pure Openness

Creeley leaves three wives eight children pure openness thats what I mind about Hollinghurst the contrary hides facts as well as what we are to think of them maddens we saw "No Exit" Imago Portland painful classic butts hurt two and a half uninterrupted hours tipping floor three actors balancing each other smart directing acting Sartre tirelessly crafty interest who has not yet tortured each of the others too shrill sometimes but they had to do something dont we all I lost it yesterday too much spinning changes actors flaking off too few diligent committed Laurel comforts similar tales perspective we saw "Street Scene" Portland Opera disappointing awkward genre mix trite melodrama Weill mostly timid Hughes lyrics lame old-fashioned three-story tenement English National huge cast crisp characters delightful kids I woke worry set finish lights sound paint ceiling running show when will actors rally be strong no joke