One Model

I've only known one model (apart from Denis Deegan, who told me he was once the most beautiful boy in Paris) and that was Ivy Nicholson. What we had in common was our feelings for Tony Perkins. She was in love with him, she said, threw herself down a flight of stairs for him. I was over it. Ivy came to my apartment on Third Street one day with Andy, Billy, and Gerard, and Andy shot a three-minute film of Johnny Dodd kissing her on my fainting couch. In the middle of the kiss, I don't know why, Johnny reared up and slapped her. Ivy was furious. So was he.

Complicated Dishes

homemade betterness butters toast
breaks chocolate into quarters ices
aches repairs time's damages fast

eating is better than not or liking
complicated dishes comes back in
faded glory average past adequate

other inclinations reassert claims
invite participation I want to work
chop days to hours save me some

Not Myself

I insist on being happy satisfied
doing what I want what happens
when I can't I am not myself

Blowing Things Up

what does "military action" really mean
it sounds serious the logistics are fierce
it is hugely expensive multitudes of paid
highly trained operatives seriously think
intently work endless national resources
are invested without hope of any return
and after all that all they can think of is
to blow things up "military action" means
blowing things up is the best they can do

Patching Cracks

patching cracks satisfies
picking strawberries too

mood separate from mind
chemical misunderstanding

Don't Do It

military is the problem
more military is worse
nothing to be gained
Syria will not love us
military only brings
suffering destruction
please men don't do it

It Happens

hard to describe
a fog of nothing

still it happens
things get done

Side Effects

the pain was sciatica the medicine
generic percocet thanks to William
for showing me what was going on
the side effects worse almost than
the pain itself now largely abated

visitations from the dead not me
this time include David Way still
at it in his upstairs rooms dreams
better than real work on the Lobero
stage crew tonight $24.95 an hour

Dive In

possibly I am mainly depressed
pain is depressing and so is pain
medication if I am I should go
swimming but don't feel up to it
pleasant as it would be to feel
the water my body parting it I
don't have the energy to take a
shower get dressed drive there
take my clothes off and dive in
it's depression does that help

Egged On

I'll do it gladly but don't
make me talk about it this
doesn't mean that I don't
love you you know that

do whatever you want
knowing that I will too
consider yourself egged
on I'll help when I can

On Time

the moon rises right on time
its double a signal that I need
new glasses pay no attention

everything happens on time
inexorably scheduled might
as well be happy it isn't you

this time the skeleton reveals
its maniacal bent soft tissue
no match for molten metal

its own progress still on time
philosophy scorns experience
confirms our impermanence

High Reveal

is something else supposed to happen
I'm waiting for clarification of dreams
never again for the first time arising

we've known that all along forgotten
high reveal before the first act curtain
back when everything was up ahead

You Think

what can be said is not
necessarily true because
words fit together neatly
you think they are real
stand-ins for the actual
but they are only word
structures musical form
has rules that only apply
when you want them to

Game Over

life goes and death comes
again and again then slips
into the past tense each 1

win or lose it's play game
over when it is I goes out
if you are there you see it

reminds you of what's real
before & after a real horse
is none but memory ashes

Gone Completely

back to the pool the pain when gone
is gone completely dosage critical I
bask in pleasure can hardly remember
feeling as desperate as I actually did

fragile morale collapses at a touch
reality reminds me one among many
Stoics the truest understanding face
fate accept facts easier for emperor

Between Courses

now that I know how I realize
I did everything I did too soon

how was I to know I'm still here
I might not have lasted this long

saying the same thing over again
equally cliché between courses

going on and on like Woody Allen
mumble the peg on a cock horse

that one deserves perfect acting
Scarlett Johansson in a swimsuit

Idle Hopes

"No longer wander at hazard, for neither will you read your own memoirs, nor the acts of the ancient Romans and Hellenes, and the selections from books you were reserving for your old age. Hasten then to the end you have before you, and, throwing away idle hopes, come to your own aid, if you care at all for yourself, while it is in your power." —Marcus Aurelius (III, 14)

A Metaphor

to whom am I trying to explain myself
you're not interested in me why should
though subject my own direst interest
you're interested if anything in what I
think and have to say about the world
itself myself a metaphor for the world
myself alive a metaphor for life itself

Too Much

everything stops then gradually
starts again slightly different

pattern exists to be abandoned
sonata form an excuse to end

begin fearlessly and continue
all you can is not too much

The Question

holding onto the goal may suffice
if I can remember what it is or was
I kidding myself and everyone else
did I know more or less than that
small possibility of self-actualizing
has the moment passed for good or
ill is the question of the sorry day

oh all right I'll tell the whole story
though it isn't what I thought it was
my turn to be regretful if I would
admit what facts can be revealed
what I believe death cannot erase
like all effort however strenuous
or sincere continuity of wishing

Six Pictures

being slips through the cracks of doing
if there are any cracks one thing follows
hard on another reading writing fetching
self-care communication meditation nap

head swims I crawl over to the bed stop
not try to sleep try not to do anything at
all it's hard I can see six pictures more in
the hall through the open door sideways

being is not the question but the answer
doing not the solution but the problem
how to fully have this perfect little time
know it widen the space unfocus mind

Lost Years

ten cents a foot
(for rubbing it)
tinkle lost years
decades found
life fragments
remain vivid
Magie's book

Heat Pad

achey lays me down before dark
a pill a heat pad hope it helps

meanwhile everything keeps on
sense of what's real unaffected

not this phenomenological world
all that is known illusion

grow up experience it directly
see where you actually go

General Directions

if I don't tell you have no way
of finding out what you know
you need my intimations who
knew how to find on Google

I suppose I could facilitate a
search explain my intentions
beyond rational psychology's
unfamiliar secret borderland

I can't think but still can write
words imply sentences thought
pointing out general directions
behind beyond within my reach

Secret Thoughts

unspoken lullaby defends the never said
what you wished you had been able to
bicycle bell more articulate blending in
boat traffic trams unknown languages
conspire to absolve each other's faults
failing that perfect openness after sex
making do with rough approximation
still I try at least in my secret thoughts
shared with millions I don't even know

One Practice

practice is everything I do is practice
complicating itself and simply living

attention is paid to the task at hand
the only condition being me doing it

need not judge the actuality wanted
one practice unites all good energy

Forever Fresh

more books no errors possible adjustment can be endless summer if time truly goes both directions a loaf of bread forever fresh without refrigeration I would be going to the store even more often than I already do milk for less than a week eggs forever turning over in their box canyon creek dam oops or whoops how do you spell wups we used to say if you can't spell it you can't pronounce it disappears from your usable vocabulary

In Motion

everything is in motion
driven by Sun's cosmic
system stability illusion
only momentary balance
as everything is changed

immense dynamic forces
operate at diverse levels
intimate microscopic to
worlds in collision are
we on one I hope not

Above Beyond

dreams are not sweet flour is not
self-rising but you are dear friend
no need to explain I'm there ahead
saying go for it your time is now

and if it's passed that too is sweet
moment was not the same repeat
at peril all music new when played
against new habits above beyond