Boring Realism

As a rule, a given man or woman's life is like a work of fiction that does not end when it should; thousands of pages of boring realism follow. Whatever mystical idea and meaningful pain and dramatic action there may be all occurs in a month or a year or so, immediately digging a rut, setting up a treadmill; thenceforth the hero must plod and reiterate and deteriorate, oh, how slowly! (Glenway Wescott)

Perfect Crust

blur gristle throbbing lassitude immovable arms legs torso thrown sofa Kronos Evans beauty comfort cling to me reach to pare cheese imbibe syrah my new zinfandel snow peas personal omelet ride run movie calendar French Open Andy ankle feel precise pain Vi apple pie neighbor perfect crust

My People

"Weatherman" quality cheese "White Countess" novelistic unconvincing "No Country Old Men" shootemup brooder anniversary sup Silver Grille worth wait weird menu naive service best company conversation celebration fourteen years wake first light these days holiday clear road Portland airport calm meet John back early Japan long flight easy drive sun after days rain mowed grass long mower gasping no work read Glenway Wescott journals enjoyable my people

Deep Thinking

all for ourselves is not enough too many flowers not to share who will stay together justify bright deep thinking chaos years above heads no one reason rises music art only persons touch meaning pain play it with your nose ring spheres separate counts out

Family House

long-fiber soap apple lozenge fountain pen batten can-washing career diplomat rudder chain pre-exact zinc etching eagle thunder-fraught side brake ortolan barrel helm celery family house flag half-broken twice-engaged reenforcement burying place soul-damning plunger pump twice-violated back-spiker quasi-animal Sargent palm film lawn billiards plume-decked sputum cup

Horse Manure

faults and virtues always the same drone sustaining nothing better drive rain Portland chill symphony Dvorak Fauré Mahler dry pavement governors cup Hass harpsichord I couldn't play small room fond friends O.K. try harder Faustino wheeling horse manure artichokes on boil

Left Behind

surgical reprieve breathe stop cough rhythm key Fournier Bach Mares build stone wall one stone time resuming blended style both choose flawless New York give up all this regular day part fabric old town drives our road looking land changes ideal isolation left behind tracing dream real season expressing flow creek state improving

Fading Light

where joy being alive Roth Bach hammering broken stable door can't do anything big right arm stoic notice bind then forget cough walk stiff wet dizzy off on pull weeds talk crazy to cat age fact Fleming writes wild too more fire constrained middle way past perfectable illusion gone smooth beauty countable wishes city pleasures reputation fading light America gone wrong

Good Intentions

writing fiction necessitates changing reality sez Windham gnawing betrayals interesting if true laughing Sabbath's anti-Jap diatribe forget troubles glimpse joy exuberant word play rain sun where rainbow when I need it bad haircut sides tight top spiked it grows rural good intentions don't expect style

My Delight

Santa Barbara Independent Theatre Awards my small-town Obies still going after 13 years today I won one for lighting "Blue Heart" last fall also Maurie for directing Tal Anne revolving set flashy colors cues tweaked quick polished I am gratified happy appreciated lighting my delight

Sing Love

fragilely back reading Roth "Sabbath's Theater" hardly comforting watching Robert Patrick "Coffeehouse Chronicle" touching heroic right thumb sudden sore what next wind brings rain listening Peteris Vasks "Message" sweet cor anglais Donald Windham "Lost Friendships" Truman Tennessee sad Times nothing new sing love black irises calla lilies sweet recovery

Bright Pink

women more stoic Carol says wait it out anniversary raincheck barely functioning company helps plan new play next winter then droop cheered peonies bright pink

Good Movie

hammock rightly hung floats me almost as softly as water I miss my swims like having every day free "The Sea" Banville writes magic word joy subject too close aging body lost love how redeem fate ironic beauty understanding late friends decrepit left behind sick irreversible goodbye good movie

Large Leaps

being old is not being able to carry heavy stuff around especially now maybe I could but I would rather not able dig climb up and hammer build things run shows do it be a factor part solution play piano much better masterpiece my life lovemaking sensibility tuned fine large leaps explained in few words "Snow" good slow falling sleep wake night void appalling circularity like stupid summer seventy habits holding healing free

Real Pill

write means actually write not just this caught flying formed sent forth I mean structure story people situations relate something sell deliver smart entertain stupid enough not trying hard enough afraid clear ambitious say what believe my way existential critique real pill known exposed ashamed inadequate no no not me do anything choose art sex practicalities exact and scrupulous capability brown extinct obstacle who doubts another twenty or thirty years

So Fast

Julian searching solutions personal world survival his competence valued generous melancholic introvert specially connected stimulant resonant play share social mind right here best everyday warm fabric how pretty our house garden land so fast third summer astounding irises peonies roses bloom bad happens beauty thrust heaven

Vast Space

I believe we're driven by feelings, and ideas are just rationalizations of those feelings. It all comes from our libido and our sense of our inadequacy. (Conor MacPherson) not so inadequate not so exposed no audience producers press clamor everything finished time reopens wake five sun day vast space for art travel here clear decide imagine people situations take chance care

Dogs Everywhere

pinch us from our dream of solitude beyond flesh in thought made flesh and the blood of birth brutal love that reaches across the sacred moat we stand in this room so confident in our untouchability we are all a river of blood we are each the eddies and flows of this river this blood I reflect and pull from my reflection an image of you pinched from my dream of solitude beyond flesh shame pride all made flesh in your kindness I am invaded my machine gun says I love you in the same language that your machine gun says I love you sitting by a warm fire with dogs everywhere the cold shadowy piñon and juniper trees stretch out endlessly beneath an almost full moon a highway dotted line of fast-moving bubbles of warmth too far away to hear I think of you in the freezing spray of little waterfalls making little sculptures in the slow song of tree standing up to slow and jagged winds in the raised hand of smoke above this home grace and beauty resisting emptiness (Julian Bach Smith)

Heat Wave

persistence his genius Caroline Knox poems new miseries looming sublime Bach pancakes dismantle greenhouse zone surprise heat wave error hammock revenge comfortable two talking watering evening falling peace perfected suspense inform life unfold more chores favors done gone

Like This

dream walk streets home through slush first winter foresee months like this feel screwy pleasure prospect almost enjoy cold water shoe think Johnny back Europe call him eager shiny cellphone his number what just now talking to him all the time doing play no he is dead gone years ashes absorbed Mother Ganges thanks Fleming

Differing Speeds

we have not heard from violet in months her love josh precious hoping all is well yearn further revelation deep sincere real buttcrack falls deep flurry decay new leaf falls behind falls follow differing speeds strong enough pictures perfect afternoon concert architecture evening transpires Mozart Handel Beethoven Wicks my new community easy together learning trust

Yellow Irises

acres big jumbled crowded together new houses ruin beautiful valley who are they for Californians retiring cashing in another development hidden hills fancier we bought old house added on improving funky farm my liberal values humane traditions ever overwhelmed prime past I know what's right release responsibility what enviable fatherhood Julian rewards Carol places yellow irises dining sunlight normal illness after fright

Being Free

needles all over thanks Lorin hope helps still fear the night good news from Maurie cheering Bicky buying style view Julian here then Taos mowed our grass loves being free breathing dubious cottonwood floating mild spring air

Timely Departure

ghastly night a simple cold combined immobile shoulder overwhelms my will to live seventy is long enough I've done enough remember Dad trapped nightmare nights Mother just shoot me mind body gone lived ninety why timely departure unprepared practical questions love pact serious pleasures tarnished leave no later to be sorry

Just Ask

ailments of others often annoying my own more amusing provoking unpleasant feelings dark thoughts life gone wrong inescapable misery like that thank heavens drugs and someday over hardly serious a life distraction vital what person story make soup movie music swells to unheard climax remote irrelevant start keep writing friends far love close anything possible just ask

Modern Comforts

harness holds my shoulder back bone will heal I hope straight bruises under skin internal mashup hurts less than think conversation birdsong flowers better news enfeebled vulnerable even swaddled modern comforts food no worries mortality no problem unable accurately anticipate know present tip of the real probing possibility

Moving Forward

weary after intense setup incapacitated helped crew lighting novices son husband playwright actor generous worked hard all day looks fine my mission new lights Brush Creek fulfilled reading Ngaio Marsh expertise some comfort long night another age her theatre had call boys embedded culture ours is DIY terrible world cruel stupid wholesale yet we are often ecstatic Fleming phoned from Varanasi putting Johnny's ashes Ganges today 11 hours earlier he said we are good resolution Julian coming Tuesday warm heart head moving forward unknown

Now Later

routine so rudely interrupted I drift through day see what I do read more write thought glimmers intention fantasies now later refreshing how easily might end will not willed arising

Left Hand

Leighton Kerner longtime music lover writer theme development coda silence fell out of hammock banged head broke clavicle (broken at my birth) picked myself up dressed drove Dr. Anderson shock hit sudden woozy blood pressure high pale dilated waxy hot lay bright table blur splinted four six weeks Carol away horse show called John just here lunch imagined something still too dizzy walk wheeled me out into glorious spring day better no fluorescents across street emergency room chilly parody forms CT scan brain normal thank God walked back took chair back drove home John following on scooter bummer typing left hand

All Right

So it is not necessary to always stick to the rules. What is important is to extend your way of life deeper and wider. To have a beautiful ceramic bowl is not necessary when you are ready to appreciate things. Whatever it is, things will encourage your practice. If you can enjoy your life in its true sense, then even if you injure your body, it is all right. Even if you die, it is all right. When you are encouraged by everything, and you realize everything is always helping you, then there is no difference whether you are dead or alive. (Shunryu Suzuki Roshi)

Expert Repair

hands tools in my mouth machine whining older I mind it less luckily it comes oftener expert repair elsewise heal nourish myself balance cash deposit gains tally wine given John diligent bacchic moderation quails who secret thinking wants enjoys reward

Easy Lope

mad scramble easy lope the poetry festival ends whew I made it and the very next day I am watching a rehearsal designing lights for another play starting a magazine planning a harpsichord recital not even pushing another book another play trips children days full moments near dizzy energy falters but does not fail remember balance sit read write whirling world